ugh

My life is one fat circle of stress, more stress, heavy stress, mental breakdown and repeat.

I'm so tired of being unhappy I honestly don't care if I die. It'd be a huge relief. Or maybe kidnapped by a nice person, that'd work too

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Reality check

I've been feeling kind of low lately but whenever I get these bouts of doubt I always get inspired by the most random things.  When I was down about college I watched Les Miserables and decided I wanted a change of major.  I'll be laying in bed and tell myself what needs to be changed. When these inspirational come, its usually late at night and more thoughts and idea will follow right after the other. Maybe I need to reevaluate the company I'm keeping. Maybe I realize that I really don't like to follow the crowd. Maybe I am mostly humoring people when really, I don't care. I love these epiphanies because they come from my own mind after everyone else's voices go away and I'm in my own little world. Peer pressure goes away and I can focus on what really makes me happy. From there I can map out the next step to my goal. Reevaluate, reevaluate, reevaluate.

I don't care about pop culture. Celebrity gossip doesn't interest me much. I don't care about wearing what's 'in-style' but rather, I want to be comfortable with myself. I want to be happy instead of miserably living to please others. I am getting more and more apathetic to others trying to manipulate me to gain for themselves.

Something new is coming, I can feel it! When did my epiphany come this time? During zombieland, the most random of all epiphanies haha time to move forward and plan my future :)

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So yeah..

I said goodnight to everyone already but my mind is still kind of racing so I want to relieve it.

I want to be happy and confident like how I used to be. I say that a lot but always find myself feeling stuck; I always say that too. But really, I want to fix myself. Maybe the whole "new year, new me" thing is something I should take a look at. Usually I think it's kind of stupid, if you want to change yourself, you shouldn't have to wait for the next year to do it; change yourself right now.

I want to make a list. Not a new years resolution thing, but a 'shit to do' list. I always make one when I have a lot of assignments needing man-handling. This way, I'll say to myself 'hey I need to do this' instead of 'oh I hope I do this'. What should I put on my list?

1.) Get a job

2.) Work out upper body

(seriously I did grease monkey work

today and I got hella weak)

Maybe ill get a gym membership, it'd really be helpful x). Plus I have a light class load this semester, I'll have a lot of spare time.

Decisions, decisions.

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<center>because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

Over again, don't make me change ny mind.

Unwonted live to see another day, I swear its true,

Because a girl like you is impossible to find. You're impossible to find

</center>

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No Shame November (Pt. 3)

Edited so I'm not "google-able" "I've lost myself. Honestly, if someone tole me to describe myself I'm not sure what I would say.
My name is Tiffany, I'm 19, I live in ***. I don't drink, smoke or do any kind of drug. I love to read but lately I haven't wanted to in fear of distracting myself from schoolwork. I think very philosophically, sometimes what I'm saying isn't comprehensible, even to myself. My mouth tends to work faster than my mind but I trust it because it's right (most of the time). I like to play sports rather than watch. However, I haven't played many sports lately because I'm so out of shape and no one to play with because no one likes volleyball, I'm not that great at basketball and not enough people want to play football. I care deeply about many people but try not to show it too much. Usually people think I have a rough exterior but in actuality I'm as soft as a marshmallow. I've built up my defenses to protect myself, I used to be extremely sensitive. For you to really get to know me, it would take a very long time because I'm still figuring myself out. I like hugs and comfortable affection. Hugs really make me feel happy and cared for. I'm cross-dominant, emotional and analytical, and it drives me crazy. I like to write stories, but not lately. When I do write it has to be in pen or I will keep going back and fixing things with my anal English-major mind; it will never get finished. Writing help me open up. It's easier for me to write than to talk. I used to write stories but I've lost my mojo. I mostly write in cursive because my old teacher got me into the habit. I used to be an old English major but my Mechanical Technology major will get done faster and will have better jobs. It's with a theatre emphasis because I love working backstage and seeing everything come together. I'm thinking of going back for an English degree once I'm settled down.
You will rarely see me with new friends because I've become extremely awkward. The people you may see me with have probably known me for a long time, pre-awkward stage. If you see me talking to new people then I'm trying extremely hard not to be shy. The same goes for when I'm talking to them without eye contact. I reflexively make eye contact with people I'm speaking with, but I know some people are uncomfortable with it so I make an effort to not do it. I like random movies. My DVD collection consists of movies I'll randomly crave on any given day. Les Miserables is my favorite DVD. I've seen it so many times I've lost count. Once in awhile I'll get into video games but I'm not a serious gamer. I try to let people know that my life is complicated but they don't believe me when I try to explain. I don't give specifics because it really is too complicated. There are a lot of 'but' and 'it depends' in my explanations. I really don't want to. I want to be able to make plans and keep them. Why don't I? It's complicated. I'm kind of forced into a hermit lifestyle because I'm traumatized. When my friends go out without me I kind of get jealous. I rarely get jealous about anything but that's one of them. When people ask me what I'm doing or what I'm up to I get embarrassed. Everyone who's free tells me that I'm old enough to get up and leave but it's not that simple. I wish it were. I tend to complain when I'm feeling uncomfortable, honestly, I don't like to whine. At first I did it joking ly to fill awkward silences but it's become a bad habit. By the way, unless we have some things in common, my conversation skills suck. I try, I really do, but I don't let my mouth run with new people. I don't know if I'll say anything that will upset them or make them uncomfortable so I play it safe.
My family feels like a love-hate relationship. I think so differently from them but I know their mind sets so well that I'm traumatized. The majority think I'm stupid and treat me as such. The only time they're truly nice is if they're being conscious of their actions, usually when there is a visitor. They're very judgmental and kind have bigot tendencies. Whenever I try to get them to see how mean they're being they get defensive. I'm only trying to help, it's not like I'm shoving it in their faces and calling them assholes. They do have good sides though, especially mom. She cares a lot but tries not to be too gushy. I told myself, maybe 9th grade, that I will always love my mom. No matter how cranky she gets, if she pisses me off or pushes me away. She will always be the one I take care of. I don't want to talk about Dad and him, it'll make me cry. The other one is a big sweetheart who just wants to be loved and respected but he has the worst controlled temper in the house. I have 2 brothers and a sister that are half-siblings, the boys from dad and the girl from mom. Dad doesn't like mom's side of the family and he's really rude about it. When they got married he told Mom that she was his family now, separating her from her own family. I'm gonna do that when I get married so he can see what a dick move it is. Just drift away towards my husband's family and see how he feels.
Even with all that I've just written, there's still a piece of me missing. Inside I'm yearning to become who I really want to be. It's like a saying I've read before: 'I'm in between who I am, who I'm becoming, and who I want to be; and I don't know what to do.'"

No Shame November (Pt. 2)

I was gonna space these out over a couple days, but I lost my entertainment for the night and I just drank coffee. I have nothing else to do, sadly..

"I'm feeling sad today. Like I'm a pathetic lump with no purpose. The reason I'm here is to give people attention when they need it. Like I'm some sort of verbal punching bag people use when they need to let stuff go. But when the punching bag gets soft and needs some care taken to it everyone walks by it without giving any notice unless it falls off it's stand, maybe the chain breaks. They'll fix it while cursing the punching bag like it let itself fall. The chain mends, they walk away, the process starts over.
I stopped playing guitar because it doesn't make me happy anymore. Mom kept asking me to play for her but when I would come to her with a new song she'd pay more attention to the tv. When I'd be playing a song they knew they'd get excited and ask me to play more, but they wouldn't like my other songs. It wasn't ever good enough. I played a song for dad on Father's Day, he didn't even listen. I had stopped playing for myself and when I would try I felt stupid, I wasn't good enough. Whenever I hear a really pretty acoustic song, I get the urge to learn it. I know I won't, though. Even on the off-chance that I do try, I stop -- It never sounds right, I'm playing wrong
There's no one I can talk to openly. She doesn't like hearing people complain, he doesn't act like he cares, she is unresponsive and whenever I talk to her I feel worse afterwards. No one really wants to hear me, they don't hear what I'm trying to say rather than the jumble mess I actually spew out. Oh, he look, a punching bag.
Feeling empty and trapped sucks. Since I can't (well, it feels like I can't) do anything to fix that I have to plaster a fake smile on my face, sounds a forced laugh, and make myself look proper. My own family won't really talk to me unless they're drunk. My friends, I feel like they get along much better without me. I feel untrusted, used and unwanted. How can I make this go away? I don't even read anymore. I'm so unhappy it hurts. I would rather hurt than be numb. When I'm numb I don't feel anything, I can't even fake happiness. I had a dream last night that a friend was black-mailing me. He wanted sex or we couldn't be friends anymore. In my dream he was my best friend, I don't want to drop so low for that to be the only way for me to feel loved.
I make people think about what they're doing. It pisses them off a lot. I don't really do it on purpose, I just think differently. Sometimes I'll say something and they'll laugh, but I just look at them and ask why that was funny. They just stop and look at me, realizing it meant something else. Sometimes they'll explain, or at least try to explain, why it's funny.
I ask 'why' a lot. Not to question authority, not to imply they're wrong; it's just curiosity. Most people don't see it that way. They think I'm being a smart ass, trying to prove them wrong. Honestly, I just like knowing things. I don't mean gossip. The smallest things are more interesting than the general picture. What makes up that general picture, all the specifics and "randomness" behind it, it intrigues me. Especially people and mechanics. How does this work? What were their thoughts behind all of this? Why did they choose that instead of this? What makes them hurt inside? Why does that hurt them? How can I fix it? Maybe that's why I can't handle bigots very well. They only see one thing but not the possibilities, none of the background stories to it. How can you truly appreciate anything if you don't really know it?"