..for the time being :D Well, like most teenagers, I've been needing to find out who I am. Then this weekend I realized I know who I am and I've known all along but I've been suppressing it. I like to please people, but I always knew I was a push over so I would stand up for myself or act kind of jerk-ish to get people to leave me alone. But I contradict myself because my friends, that I love so much, turn me into someone else. It's not their fault at all because I let them without even knowing. I don't necessarily like who they've turned me into but I don't hate it either. I guess that's why I felt such a strong feeling of loss, like I had lost myself and couldn't find my way back. I let them treat me like a push over and since I don't really rebel to their interests, (cause really I agree with them just not always as much as they do on some things) I don't really give them any hints that 'hey I have my own thoughts too and I want to be able to express them just as much as you do.' And I really do need to express myself. I hate how I'm suppressing my thoughts and emotions so much, it's ridiculous. I try to tell my friends things but they don't always seem to hear it, or I'll try to try to start to tell them something but someone will make a joke and then it's gone.
This past weekend some of my cousins came into town and my aunt came from the Philippines. I was excited because I hadn't seen them in so long. But, you see, when I was little I never felt very close to my cousins because I felt like they ignored me and whatnot. Now I guess they're starting to get used to the idea that I'm not a kid anymore. So I'm comfortable around them, I act like my REAL self around them and they accepted it. They accept that I don't drink or smoke, they let me watch the last episode of Doctor Who without teasing me, rather they started to join me. They understand my sarcasm and they know I don't mean anything rude from it. This entire weekend I didn't have to explain myself. I didn't have to say 'I didn't mean it that way' or 'no that's not how I meant it' because they didn't judge me like some other people do. Honestly I'm so tired of having to explain myself, I'm tired of having to argue every single day. I'm tired of not being accept by my friends and some of my family. I'm tired of subconsciously molding myself in order to fit their lives. I want to be this happy person I was this weekend, because I missed her so much.
Honestly, I'm scared that this is all some sort sugar high and it's going to come crash soon. I hope to God it doesn't happen because this is the happiest and most confident I've been in so long :]
I'm off to enjoy the last hours of this weekend before my lovelies depart in the morning<3
