I Have No 'Best Friend'

Instead I have a few friends that I care for a lot. I don't want to label them as best friends because best friends always leave. So I'm thinking about it and I wonder if maybe that's why I run away whenever I start to get too close to a guy. There are some obvious factors that go into the equation also, but what if this is connected too? I am so fucked up in the head that I can't get close to people and maybe I never will? It really sucks to think that. I mean, if you felt so lonely it hurts and realize you might always be like that... What would you do? It worries me. I don't know what to do about it.

I know my lovelies are there for me but there will always be a part of me on guard, no matter how close we are. That's just how I am. So if one day I were to get married, does that mean ill never be happy in my marriage?

Of course I'm overthinking it, but its better than thinking of other things. "/

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"The hummingbird symbolizes many different concepts. Because of its speed, the hummingbird is known as a messenger and stopper of time. It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward. When the hummingbird hovers over flowers while drinking nectar, we learn that we should savour each moment, and appreciate the things we love. The hummingbird has powerful spiritual significance. In the Andes of South America the hummingbird is a symbol of resurrection. It seems to die on cold nights, but comes back to life again at sunrise. Hummingbird is the creature that opens the heart. When the hurt that caused us to close our hearts gets a chance to heal, our hearts are free to open again. With hummingbird consciousness, we learn the truth of beauty. Our life becomes a wonderland of delights in flowers, aromas and tastes. We laugh and enjoy creation, we appreciate the magic of the present moment, and the magic of being alive. Hummingbird teaches us the medicinal properties of plants and how to work with the energy of flowers to heal ourselves and others. Hummingbirds teach us fierce independence. They teach us to fight in a way where no one gets hurt. They teach us courage. Having the courage to refrain from creating new trauma by communicating non-violently toward ourselves and others is an important part of healing. Recovering lost parts of ourselves enables us to become healthily independent. It is not commonly known that the fluttering wings of the hummingbird move in the pattern of an infinity symbol - further solidifying their symbolism of eternity, continuity, and infinity. By observing the Hummingbird, we see they are seemingly tireless. Always actively seeking the sweetest nectar, they remind us to forever seek out the good in life and the beauty in each day. Amazing migrators, some Hummingbirds are known to wing their way as far as 2000 miles to reach their destination. This quality reminds us to be persistent in the pursuit of our dreams, and adopt the tenacity of the Hummingbird in our lives. "

So I've been thinking about what tattoo I want lately and actually trying to figure out the design. I am constantly thinking of little sayings or phrases that mean something to me and would like it tattooed but, well, I'd be like a human book and that's a bit too much right? so I was thinking of something like this hummingbird image (found online) and tweaking it so that it's actually drawn out in words so to speak. I don't know if that makes sense but I have an idea and I really like it. I'll try to draw it out sometime and post it or something. Of course I won't be getting it until I move out but I love the symbolism of the hummingbird and it's really hard for me to ignore. It's like optimism and encouragement for myself without having it be out there for everyone to see. Even if someone were to see it they wouldn't necessarily understand it either. My little secret. It'll be on my back ribs, right side. Painful I know, but honestly it'd be worth it. Something for myself that I won't be judged for everyday, a gift. Whenever I go through these bad times in life, I'd be able to look at it and think that I've been able to get through so many things and I can get through this too. I'm thinking to get it when everything feels better, when I can actually smile and have it show in my eyes and tug at my heart. A battle scar of sorts. So I can remember everything, but at the same time remember to move on and keep going forward to better things.

Mia: I don't mind if you do, but if I get annoying don't feel obligated or anything lol. Love you<3

And I just realized I have a hummingbird in my background. It's a sign. :]

I know my shit is depressing, sorry mia >< just ignore me for awhile. This is my only outlet.

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'Let It Go' She Tells Me,

'Drop it', 'you're thinking too much' as if all of this is that simple. She tells me she's been through worse, my sister has been through worse also. I get that, I understand what she's telling me. She doesn't understand what I'm telling her, how else can I explain it? Hell yes I think too much, its like a disease that I haven't been able to treat. My mind has multiple slots: active controlled thoughts, contradictions, active uncontrolled thoughts and a bunch more with bullshit that pops up out of nowhere. My issues are in those active uncontrolled thoughts. It's like a song stuck in your head. A happy song that can give you a silly grin and put a bounce in your step. But my 'song' makes me want to curl into myself and scream. You know that feeling you'd get when you were a kid and you knew you were going to get in trouble for something? It's like that but I haven't done anything, its constantly saying things about how I'm going to be punished and there's nothing I can do about it. They will always turn what I say into something insulting, treat me as if I'm out doing dark deeds, look down on me as if I'm not worth anything.

That's how it is in my mind. When I would get out of class my heart would start racing. I would keep a steady eye on the time thinking he's gonna yell at me for being late, he's gonna say I'm fucking around. But I'm not. I ALWAYS had these panic attacks. I'm treated like I don't know shit. I'm treated like I'm going to fuck everything up for everyone. I do something wrong and shit goes crazy. They do something wrong its a slap on the wrist.

'It's because you're the girl' they say. That's such a BULLSHIT EXCUSE!!! that doesn't mean I'm going to have a baby at 16, go out drinking, do drugs or ANYTHING like that. If they knew me, they'd know I'm abstinent. I don't like drunk people and don't drink myself. Drugs are disgusting, why would I ever? But no. They have their own little picture of me. They told my relatives I had sex with a guy. They could spread so much gossip about me and I have to take it and act like they're not talking. Then they say I don't appreciate anything. Of course I do. They say they give me everything. They think I want all this materialistic crap that I honestly don't care about.

I'm tired of fighting this war inside my mind while they have a fucking tea party. So yeah, let it go right? You have no idea.

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Happy New Year!

*insert generic greeting here*

Right after it hit midnight I got a text from an old friend that made me cry. I can't decide if they were happy tears or if my chest was aching because Im still sad. Less than ten minutes later he pisses me off because, you know, nothing I do is good enough. I have to accomodate my room for his drunk friends. No offense, I love them, but my brothers aren't home. Why not use their rooms instead of kicking me and my friends out? I love his friends, let me just say that again. But it just reminds me of last new years when I was sick and I was supposed to give up my bed because my brothers were drunk and they get priority. *sigh I don't understand this shit, I'm still tired of everything, I still need my mom to comfort me, I still have bouts of anxiety and the smallest thongs make me want to cry my heart out. When I'm walking down the stairs i pray that I slip and fall so I can hit my head and get damaged. Just kill me already, seriously.

Happy new year.

I miss my sister, I need her.

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The Morning is the Worst

It's horrible. I can't breathe, my chest feels insanely tight and I shake. I want my mom but she's at work or not home or I feel like she won't help me feel better. So I wait it out in my bed shaking, pulling my hair and trying to breathe as best I can. Sometimes a shower helps, sometimes it doesn't. If mom and Steven aren't home it's like I don't have any courage to get up for the day. If I go downstairs I'll come back up when Justin gets ready for work just so I don't have to interact. Last time I forced myself to sleep so I didn't have to deal with my mind and even after that I was able to sleep through the night. Sleeping is my defense mechanism.

Even on the days where they are home I have to work hard to be decent. Sometimes I'll actually have a good time and build up courage throughout the day. But once I'm in bed I try to tire myself out to knock out right away, otherwise I'll be laying there torturing myself. Sleep, repeat.

I went out today with friends for the first time since things got worse. I had fun but my chest ached the whole time. I didn't think of my morning anxiety attacks when I agreed to go in the morning. It took me awhile to breathe correctly.

I went to the store with Steven the other day and I looked for something to relieve anxiety. The best I could get was calming tea. I didn't get to drink any before I left because I woke up late. Next time I'll think things through.

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ugh

My life is one fat circle of stress, more stress, heavy stress, mental breakdown and repeat.

I'm so tired of being unhappy I honestly don't care if I die. It'd be a huge relief. Or maybe kidnapped by a nice person, that'd work too

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