The Morning is the Worst

It's horrible. I can't breathe, my chest feels insanely tight and I shake. I want my mom but she's at work or not home or I feel like she won't help me feel better. So I wait it out in my bed shaking, pulling my hair and trying to breathe as best I can. Sometimes a shower helps, sometimes it doesn't. If mom and Steven aren't home it's like I don't have any courage to get up for the day. If I go downstairs I'll come back up when Justin gets ready for work just so I don't have to interact. Last time I forced myself to sleep so I didn't have to deal with my mind and even after that I was able to sleep through the night. Sleeping is my defense mechanism.

Even on the days where they are home I have to work hard to be decent. Sometimes I'll actually have a good time and build up courage throughout the day. But once I'm in bed I try to tire myself out to knock out right away, otherwise I'll be laying there torturing myself. Sleep, repeat.

I went out today with friends for the first time since things got worse. I had fun but my chest ached the whole time. I didn't think of my morning anxiety attacks when I agreed to go in the morning. It took me awhile to breathe correctly.

I went to the store with Steven the other day and I looked for something to relieve anxiety. The best I could get was calming tea. I didn't get to drink any before I left because I woke up late. Next time I'll think things through.

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ugh

My life is one fat circle of stress, more stress, heavy stress, mental breakdown and repeat.

I'm so tired of being unhappy I honestly don't care if I die. It'd be a huge relief. Or maybe kidnapped by a nice person, that'd work too

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Reality check

I've been feeling kind of low lately but whenever I get these bouts of doubt I always get inspired by the most random things.  When I was down about college I watched Les Miserables and decided I wanted a change of major.  I'll be laying in bed and tell myself what needs to be changed. When these inspirational come, its usually late at night and more thoughts and idea will follow right after the other. Maybe I need to reevaluate the company I'm keeping. Maybe I realize that I really don't like to follow the crowd. Maybe I am mostly humoring people when really, I don't care. I love these epiphanies because they come from my own mind after everyone else's voices go away and I'm in my own little world. Peer pressure goes away and I can focus on what really makes me happy. From there I can map out the next step to my goal. Reevaluate, reevaluate, reevaluate.

I don't care about pop culture. Celebrity gossip doesn't interest me much. I don't care about wearing what's 'in-style' but rather, I want to be comfortable with myself. I want to be happy instead of miserably living to please others. I am getting more and more apathetic to others trying to manipulate me to gain for themselves.

Something new is coming, I can feel it! When did my epiphany come this time? During zombieland, the most random of all epiphanies haha time to move forward and plan my future :)

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So yeah..

I said goodnight to everyone already but my mind is still kind of racing so I want to relieve it.

I want to be happy and confident like how I used to be. I say that a lot but always find myself feeling stuck; I always say that too. But really, I want to fix myself. Maybe the whole "new year, new me" thing is something I should take a look at. Usually I think it's kind of stupid, if you want to change yourself, you shouldn't have to wait for the next year to do it; change yourself right now.

I want to make a list. Not a new years resolution thing, but a 'shit to do' list. I always make one when I have a lot of assignments needing man-handling. This way, I'll say to myself 'hey I need to do this' instead of 'oh I hope I do this'. What should I put on my list?

1.) Get a job

2.) Work out upper body

(seriously I did grease monkey work

today and I got hella weak)

Maybe ill get a gym membership, it'd really be helpful x). Plus I have a light class load this semester, I'll have a lot of spare time.

Decisions, decisions.

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<center>because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

Over again, don't make me change ny mind.

Unwonted live to see another day, I swear its true,

Because a girl like you is impossible to find. You're impossible to find

</center>

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No Shame November (Pt. 3)

Edited so I'm not "google-able" "I've lost myself. Honestly, if someone tole me to describe myself I'm not sure what I would say.
My name is Tiffany, I'm 19, I live in ***. I don't drink, smoke or do any kind of drug. I love to read but lately I haven't wanted to in fear of distracting myself from schoolwork. I think very philosophically, sometimes what I'm saying isn't comprehensible, even to myself. My mouth tends to work faster than my mind but I trust it because it's right (most of the time). I like to play sports rather than watch. However, I haven't played many sports lately because I'm so out of shape and no one to play with because no one likes volleyball, I'm not that great at basketball and not enough people want to play football. I care deeply about many people but try not to show it too much. Usually people think I have a rough exterior but in actuality I'm as soft as a marshmallow. I've built up my defenses to protect myself, I used to be extremely sensitive. For you to really get to know me, it would take a very long time because I'm still figuring myself out. I like hugs and comfortable affection. Hugs really make me feel happy and cared for. I'm cross-dominant, emotional and analytical, and it drives me crazy. I like to write stories, but not lately. When I do write it has to be in pen or I will keep going back and fixing things with my anal English-major mind; it will never get finished. Writing help me open up. It's easier for me to write than to talk. I used to write stories but I've lost my mojo. I mostly write in cursive because my old teacher got me into the habit. I used to be an old English major but my Mechanical Technology major will get done faster and will have better jobs. It's with a theatre emphasis because I love working backstage and seeing everything come together. I'm thinking of going back for an English degree once I'm settled down.
You will rarely see me with new friends because I've become extremely awkward. The people you may see me with have probably known me for a long time, pre-awkward stage. If you see me talking to new people then I'm trying extremely hard not to be shy. The same goes for when I'm talking to them without eye contact. I reflexively make eye contact with people I'm speaking with, but I know some people are uncomfortable with it so I make an effort to not do it. I like random movies. My DVD collection consists of movies I'll randomly crave on any given day. Les Miserables is my favorite DVD. I've seen it so many times I've lost count. Once in awhile I'll get into video games but I'm not a serious gamer. I try to let people know that my life is complicated but they don't believe me when I try to explain. I don't give specifics because it really is too complicated. There are a lot of 'but' and 'it depends' in my explanations. I really don't want to. I want to be able to make plans and keep them. Why don't I? It's complicated. I'm kind of forced into a hermit lifestyle because I'm traumatized. When my friends go out without me I kind of get jealous. I rarely get jealous about anything but that's one of them. When people ask me what I'm doing or what I'm up to I get embarrassed. Everyone who's free tells me that I'm old enough to get up and leave but it's not that simple. I wish it were. I tend to complain when I'm feeling uncomfortable, honestly, I don't like to whine. At first I did it joking ly to fill awkward silences but it's become a bad habit. By the way, unless we have some things in common, my conversation skills suck. I try, I really do, but I don't let my mouth run with new people. I don't know if I'll say anything that will upset them or make them uncomfortable so I play it safe.
My family feels like a love-hate relationship. I think so differently from them but I know their mind sets so well that I'm traumatized. The majority think I'm stupid and treat me as such. The only time they're truly nice is if they're being conscious of their actions, usually when there is a visitor. They're very judgmental and kind have bigot tendencies. Whenever I try to get them to see how mean they're being they get defensive. I'm only trying to help, it's not like I'm shoving it in their faces and calling them assholes. They do have good sides though, especially mom. She cares a lot but tries not to be too gushy. I told myself, maybe 9th grade, that I will always love my mom. No matter how cranky she gets, if she pisses me off or pushes me away. She will always be the one I take care of. I don't want to talk about Dad and him, it'll make me cry. The other one is a big sweetheart who just wants to be loved and respected but he has the worst controlled temper in the house. I have 2 brothers and a sister that are half-siblings, the boys from dad and the girl from mom. Dad doesn't like mom's side of the family and he's really rude about it. When they got married he told Mom that she was his family now, separating her from her own family. I'm gonna do that when I get married so he can see what a dick move it is. Just drift away towards my husband's family and see how he feels.
Even with all that I've just written, there's still a piece of me missing. Inside I'm yearning to become who I really want to be. It's like a saying I've read before: 'I'm in between who I am, who I'm becoming, and who I want to be; and I don't know what to do.'"

No Shame November (Pt. 2)

I was gonna space these out over a couple days, but I lost my entertainment for the night and I just drank coffee. I have nothing else to do, sadly..

"I'm feeling sad today. Like I'm a pathetic lump with no purpose. The reason I'm here is to give people attention when they need it. Like I'm some sort of verbal punching bag people use when they need to let stuff go. But when the punching bag gets soft and needs some care taken to it everyone walks by it without giving any notice unless it falls off it's stand, maybe the chain breaks. They'll fix it while cursing the punching bag like it let itself fall. The chain mends, they walk away, the process starts over.
I stopped playing guitar because it doesn't make me happy anymore. Mom kept asking me to play for her but when I would come to her with a new song she'd pay more attention to the tv. When I'd be playing a song they knew they'd get excited and ask me to play more, but they wouldn't like my other songs. It wasn't ever good enough. I played a song for dad on Father's Day, he didn't even listen. I had stopped playing for myself and when I would try I felt stupid, I wasn't good enough. Whenever I hear a really pretty acoustic song, I get the urge to learn it. I know I won't, though. Even on the off-chance that I do try, I stop -- It never sounds right, I'm playing wrong
There's no one I can talk to openly. She doesn't like hearing people complain, he doesn't act like he cares, she is unresponsive and whenever I talk to her I feel worse afterwards. No one really wants to hear me, they don't hear what I'm trying to say rather than the jumble mess I actually spew out. Oh, he look, a punching bag.
Feeling empty and trapped sucks. Since I can't (well, it feels like I can't) do anything to fix that I have to plaster a fake smile on my face, sounds a forced laugh, and make myself look proper. My own family won't really talk to me unless they're drunk. My friends, I feel like they get along much better without me. I feel untrusted, used and unwanted. How can I make this go away? I don't even read anymore. I'm so unhappy it hurts. I would rather hurt than be numb. When I'm numb I don't feel anything, I can't even fake happiness. I had a dream last night that a friend was black-mailing me. He wanted sex or we couldn't be friends anymore. In my dream he was my best friend, I don't want to drop so low for that to be the only way for me to feel loved.
I make people think about what they're doing. It pisses them off a lot. I don't really do it on purpose, I just think differently. Sometimes I'll say something and they'll laugh, but I just look at them and ask why that was funny. They just stop and look at me, realizing it meant something else. Sometimes they'll explain, or at least try to explain, why it's funny.
I ask 'why' a lot. Not to question authority, not to imply they're wrong; it's just curiosity. Most people don't see it that way. They think I'm being a smart ass, trying to prove them wrong. Honestly, I just like knowing things. I don't mean gossip. The smallest things are more interesting than the general picture. What makes up that general picture, all the specifics and "randomness" behind it, it intrigues me. Especially people and mechanics. How does this work? What were their thoughts behind all of this? Why did they choose that instead of this? What makes them hurt inside? Why does that hurt them? How can I fix it? Maybe that's why I can't handle bigots very well. They only see one thing but not the possibilities, none of the background stories to it. How can you truly appreciate anything if you don't really know it?"

No Shame November (Pt. 1)

"Even though I'm not supposed to, I'm going to be self-conscious throughout this entire entry. It's just a part of me. Whenever I'm writing, there's always a little tiny piece of me that's thinking 'what would somebody think if they read this?' However, I'll try my best to be completely honest.
I'm conceited. I'm conceited because I am aware of all the little things going on. It makes me aware of myself and how others see me; it's not a vain trait. It drives me crazy. I try not to make most things into big deals, but I'm insanely over-analytical about these little things I see. Then I always have to answer 'why'. Why doesn't he make eye contact when he speaks? Is he shy? Does he do this to everyone? Do I make him uncomfortable? Why would I make him uncomfortable? Does he like me? Has he heard rumors from mutual acquaintances? Am I intimidating? And round and round these questions go. Never settling because most of the time they go unanswered. It drives me insane because my brain never shuts up. But when I need to think, to focus on a task, my brain feels dead. Like it's under-stimulated.
I whine and complain way more than I intend to. At first I would do it as a joke, but now it's become a reflex to fill awkward silences. When I hear myself complaining, I get so annoyed. I just want to yell at myself to shut up, it's not even a bad situation, you're being stupid.
I crave comfort in the form of intimacy. Not sex or any of that but just feeling close to someone. Hugs. I love hugs. I never get hugs anymore. Last week, I was with a friend and we ended up linking arms, holding hands and hugging each other. I don't like him any more than a close friend, I'm just comfortable enough to be close with him that way and it made me feel so happy. I felt cared about. I've felt like such a black sheep for so long, it was nice to feel wanted. Of course my over-analyzing kicked in afterwards but since I haven't seen him in awhile I shut it up telling myself to get over it. It doesn't completely work.
Sometimes I need to check that I can feel my lips touching. It ensure me that I'm not thinking out loud. I get these bouts of paranoia that people can hear what I'm thinking, like I'm saying all of it without noticing. It's not that I'm thinking mean things, they're just embarrassing things. Like if a guy is cute or something, or if I'm feeling self-conscious.
There were times when I would be so driven and focused on my goals, I knew that I would be going somewhere in the future; I felt confident. I'm so disappointed in who I've become. I used to take all of the negativity that was thrown at me and turn it into a challenge. It would become motivation to get away from here. But now, I was kicked to the ground and I can't get back up. Ever since I canceled on UNR, it all just hurts. It feels like I'm trapped here and there's nothing I can do about it. Every time someone puts me down, say I'm not good enough, makes fun of me to make themselves feel better; I just feel worthless. Nothing I do is right, I'm considered stupid even though I've had the highest education than anyone in my house. It's all slowly eating away at me. It makes me so angry, I just want to punch somebody, but of course I won't. My family (and some other old acquaintances) try to make me out to be this bad person. I know in my heart that I'm not but it's so suffocating! I can't get away from it. It's traumatized me so much that I think random passerbys glance at me and see an uptight bitch. The old me would see that, find a way to get money and plan my escape route. This me, the one who has trouble coping, just wants to curl up in bed and feel disgusted with herself. No amount of pep talks have been able to fix me. No on really understands."

It Really Is Shameful...

...how I haven't been posting. But I've been writing in my journal lately and I've been doing 'No Shame November'. I decided, to make up for my lack of "hey mia I'm alive, I promise" posts, (EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T POST TO RELIEVE MY ANXIETY!) *Ahem. I decided to post my No Shame November pages piece by piece. That way it'll seem like a lot. Even though it's probably not so long in text, oh well.
I should describe what No Shame November is though. It's pretty much you write everything, thoughts, feelings, and whatnot; and you can't be shy about it. You have to be completely honest, especially if it's risky. Write things that it's hard to say out loud. Secrets, stories and whatever. Even though when I wrote it I was thinking no one is gonna read it, I really should post it. Boost of confidence and all that fuckery x]I will change some names though to general he/she and the like just to be polite, and because even though this is complete honesty, some things I don't want EVERYONE to know who it's about. (this is public!!! D:)
And so we begin!♥

Just posting this so I can delete the post it

...It is ever painful to a candid mind to exhibit the deformed features of its own species; yet truth requires a just portrait of the public delinquent, though he may possess such a share of private virtue as would lead us to esteem the man in his domestic character, while we detest his political, and execrate his public transactions. "Creating an American Culture"

I'm Insanely Happy

..for the time being :D Well, like most teenagers, I've been needing to find out who I am. Then this weekend I realized I know who I am and I've known all along but I've been suppressing it. I like to please people, but I always knew I was a push over so I would stand up for myself or act kind of jerk-ish to get people to leave me alone. But I contradict myself because my friends, that I love so much, turn me into someone else. It's not their fault at all because I let them without even knowing. I don't necessarily like who they've turned me into but I don't hate it either. I guess that's why I felt such a strong feeling of loss, like I had lost myself and couldn't find my way back. I let them treat me like a push over and since I don't really rebel to their interests, (cause really I agree with them just not always as much as they do on some things) I don't really give them any hints that 'hey I have my own thoughts too and I want to be able to express them just as much as you do.' And I really do need to express myself. I hate how I'm suppressing my thoughts and emotions so much, it's ridiculous. I try to tell my friends things but they don't always seem to hear it, or I'll try to try to start to tell them something but someone will make a joke and then it's gone.

This past weekend some of my cousins came into town and my aunt came from the Philippines. I was excited because I hadn't seen them in so long. But, you see, when I was little I never felt very close to my cousins because I felt like they ignored me and whatnot. Now I guess they're starting to get used to the idea that I'm not a kid anymore. So I'm comfortable around them, I act like my REAL self around them and they accepted it. They accept that I don't drink or smoke, they let me watch the last episode of Doctor Who without teasing me, rather they started to join me. They understand my sarcasm and they know I don't mean anything rude from it. This entire weekend I didn't have to explain myself. I didn't have to say 'I didn't mean it that way' or 'no that's not how I meant it' because they didn't judge me like some other people do. Honestly I'm so tired of having to explain myself, I'm tired of having to argue every single day. I'm tired of not being accept by my friends and some of my family. I'm tired of subconsciously molding myself in order to fit their lives. I want to be this happy person I was this weekend, because I missed her so much.

Honestly, I'm scared that this is all some sort sugar high and it's going to come crash soon. I hope to God it doesn't happen because this is the happiest and most confident I've been in so long :] I'm off to enjoy the last hours of this weekend before my lovelies depart in the morning<3

*Yawn

So I haven't updated, like really update, in a long time. But I don't really feel like updating. When I was going through my tabs i saw this page and felt bad cause I told myself that I would keep up with it D: so here's a guilty-not-so-much update. I don't know why, I just don't care about updating for some reason. Same thing with my journals. I don't write much or sketch or even read! :O shocking yes I know.

Buuuut um? Let's see. My birthday, hiking and a chill day with guava cake<3. Umm then there was summer that I don't remember much of for innocent reasons. OH I learned a new word: platonic :D I've heard it but never looked it up until today lol. I'm waiting for the right moment to use it cause I really want to use it xD (*nerd status!) I know for sure it'll be a conversation with Bunny because, well, we have weird conversations haha. What else? UH term started again, my classes aren't bad. Every time my ENV teacher would talk about the course I would feel nervous because of how challenging it's gonna be but then I felt excited at the same time. Then I would realize these feelings I'm having and inwardly laugh at myself because my nerd level has spiked severely lately. 8D

MHM. Soooo I gotta get ready for bed. And I don't feel like talking to you anymore my dear b log, so goodnight :]

I feel horrible :[

It's like everyday there's something putting me down further and further and I can't talk to anybody about it. Whenever I try to talk to a friend they make a joke and move on, when I want to tell my mom I just don't do it. Because I've tried that so many times before and it always just makes me feel worse when she says "yeah yeah" and watches tv. When I try to tell my dad he acts like he knows what I'm going through and gives me advice that isn't even relevant to whatever the fuck I told him. He's obviously not listening. I have no one to talk to and I feel so lonely.

I just don't know what to do. Everything I do feels so useless and stupid. I had a dream the other night about an old friend and he gave me a hug, a great hug that made me feel so happy and safe. Then when I woke up I could still feel it and it made me so sad because there's nobody to comfort me like that anymore. It all feels useless. I feel guarded all the time because I feel like at any given moment someone will insult me and I have to be ready to take it. Someone is going to accuse me of something that I didn't do and I have to take it. Because no matter what I say and no matter what I do it never makes a difference. I'm stuck.

My New Obsession♥

Not insanely obsessed, I just love his voice!<3

I Must Do This

I HAVE to talk about the past like 11 hours because it was just so ridiculous. Then again, everything seems more funny when you're sleep deprived. ANYWAYS, okay, so last night I was reading up to around 330 am because I woke up at like 1 pm yesterday and I can't sleep straight if I hadn't been awake for at least 12 hours. (It's a wierd mindset but I can't help it) I was pretty awake but I tried to sleep anyways but then suddenly my room got really warm because the a/c had turned off :[[[ My fan doesn't work in my room so thennnnnn...


Approx. 4:45 am: decided to try sleeping in loft because the fan works there.
10 minutes later: Mom comes in and turns fan down, walks away. I kick blanket off as a hint to turn the fan back up. She comes back in and tries to cover me with a heavier blanket than I had >< (I was only using a throw blanket). I fully wake up and tell her its too hot while she's trying to turn down my phone because I kept getting tweets. Then she's like tryna start a conversation about why I'm gonna wake up so early blah blah blah, she leaves, I turn fan back up. 2 minutes later: Knock out. 7:30-ish am: Mom calls me from downstairs asking me about my doctors appointment, telling me to leave early, yadda yadda, things I already know. I've been to the doctor before ya know? Maybe because it's by myself? Even though I've gone by myself before? Or maybe she likes to torture me. I don't know. 8am: Alarm goes off. I honestly thought someone was calling me. Reality set in, I had to get ready. crap. 8:15 am: Dad gets home, I get ready. 8:30 am: "Tiff what time is your appointment?" "9:30" "okay" 8:54 am: "Are you leaving yet?" "In a little bit" 9 am: "Dad there's no co-pay right?" "No there shouldn't be" "Are you sure?" "Yeah if there is just tell them to send us the bill." "Okay" 9:10 am: I leave to doctor 9:24 am: I sign in at doctor's office waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. 9:40 am: I'm called to fill out my papers. When I'm almost done the lady says, "okay it will be 15 dollars co-pay" "Um I was told I wouldn't have co-pay." "No with your insurance there is 15 dollar co-pay" "Umm... okay can you just send me the bill?" "No we have to have it before the appointment." We negotiate, blah blah, end up having to reschedule. Me:"That's wierd cause my dad came here and didn't have to pay anything." "No we have to have the co-pay." (I get it lady I was just saying ><) "Now If you're in too much pain, you can go right over to urgent care. But oh, they have the co-pay too." "Um no I didn't have co-pay, there I've been there before." "They don't need it up front." "Oh okay thanks anyways." I leave. Urgent care doesn't charge me anything, I never got any bill from there. The lady was confused? Maybe it was too early in the morning? I'm not complaining honestly, I'm just saying. What's up with that? So now I have to wait a month for my appointment :[ UGHHGHHHHHH! If the co-pay really is 15 bucks I'd rather just stay with my old doctor D: it costs the same :P THEN I drop off books at Mia's house ;] haha I waited awhile for her to open the door but I didn't mind. My brain was numb (still kinda is) so it was like whatever. Communication is hard when there's no way to directly contact the person....... ... ... ... I'm so tired. I was supposed to go job hunting today, but I don't think it'd make a good impression on potential employers if I show up looking all pale in the face and incoherent lol. This is such a long explanation of nothing hahaha oh deeeaaarrr >< ... Maybe this will just be how I explain it to bunny how I'm not a flake, I just am very incoherent and sleep deprived and my eyes are tired. How tired? When I put my contacts in, they burned quite a bit. When I was driving my right contact went slightly blurry because it went dry. So yes! I will text bunny the url to this. GENIUS! Hi Bunny :]

If you guys read this all the way through, I'm sorry for my pointless banter xD

**EDIT
I just realized my morning was quite pointless since I didn't get my appointment. UGH whatever sleep tiiiiiiime!

Insomnia

*sigh I got like 3 hours of sleep when I thought I was gonna knock out all night. Now I can't sleep so I might as well post those pictures. But only some, there's a lot. Shot by the lovely Darvie'Bunny

That should be the right order, the reason some are darker is because the sun was just rising and a lot of places were still really shaded. Hm yupp. My favorite part is the waterfall :D The ice still being frozen was insanely pretty!

Yesterday we had a little "indoor camping" at my house for cynthia's birthday. It was like, i don't know. Like it wasn't exciting but it wasn't that warm fuzzy feeling of bonding haha. Probably because I got irritated but whatever :[

My life other than that? Irritated/Frustrated like 24/7. Why? *sigh long story.

My brother went to California this weekend and when he came back he gave us these dvds my uncle made of my grandma's funeral. I watched it and yeah :[ I miss her.


What a sad way to end a post.

Wow

I honestly don't know why I'm updating right now cause I can't write out everything until I get my pictures :[ I took the pictures onto my flashdrive but I was so sleep deprived I guess I missed some D': I have a lot of cute pictures to show sooo yeah! :D

Just a taste lol More next time

Such A Long Weekend

Mkay I honestly don't really remember Friday, I just remember that the night before I stayed up really late skyping with bunny and trying to figure out my school stuff. Buuuut then I think I did lots of errands maybe? Then Saturday I woke up at 5, did yard work, came home practiced guitar and then was dragged off to the movies to see Super 8. Honestly it wasn't that great of a movie >< waste of money like ferreal. Then food at applebees, another waste of money. I started off with a dollar, gained 20, ended up with nada. Sunday I woke up kinda late, went to church, picked up Amanda and had a chill day with movies, popcorn, brownies, and coffee slushies :] I just dropped her home awhile ago and she left her movie so I can watch it, Gnomeo and Juliet x] It makes me want to read Romeo and Juliet So I was thinking while I was in church, would it be bad to read Dante's inferno in church? Cause that's what I've been reading but I wasn't sure if it'd be bad...? Ummmmm let's see, tomorrow I go to school to see the counselor with Bunny then go dress shopping and theeeenn sleepover at her house and Mt Charleston at dawn? Probably. Not much of an update but well, there ya go lol

Saw that and thought I'd share x]

BTW Mia! Friday is supposed to be Mi-ffany day! Let's figure out what to do yeah? OH! and tell me if you want those books renewed m'dear :]

1:30AM Making French Fries

Saw this on my friend's tumblr and thought it was cute x] I'll update some other time.

"Like me? I don't have any best friends"
":[ But you're on my best friends list"
"No no no. I don't want to say you're my best friend because I lost all my best friends, why would I wan't to lose you?"
":'] Then we will stop saying best friends! You're now my.. myyyy.. my 'human encyclopedia'"
BAHAHA ♥

I Forgots!

I'm still here,
if your heart breaks
if your troubles stay
when things go down.
I'm still here,
when you're all alone
in home
and you're feeling afraid.
I'm still here, I'm still here.

I found that when I was cleaning out my stuff this past week and forgot that I wanted to post it here. I found a lot of other things that I wrote just like that and DAMN! I used to be so good with songs and poetry and little saying. WHATHAPPENED?!

I'm still here,
days and days pass by
whenever you need me.
I'm still here,
when graduation comes
when we move along
wherever you go
I'm still here.
Oooh I'm still here.

Hey Mia! One guess to who I wrote that about! xD The verses I wrote on this I find are ridiculous and not worth posting. They're just examples that I needed a larger vocabulary lol!

:]

Facebook doesn't know what I'm doing in school. Yesterday it said I was studying mechanical technology and today it says I'm studying English literature. Confusing much? I'm doing both actually xD I'm quite happy with myself for figuring out what I want to do. I have this nagging feeling at the back of my head thats scared of what my dad is gonna say when he gets back from the Philippines, but I figured I should have the right to choose what I want to do and not let anything/anyone hold me back! Quite a burst of confidence has been surging through me lately :D Thanks Mia! You made me feel better somehow, like after I read the fanfic I was so giddy and then watching Les Miserables reminded me of how I loved working backstage and seeing all the behind the scenes stuff :'] Then that burst of accomplishment burst within me like I know it's the right thing to do. I mean you hear about that kind of feeling in books but omgosh! It feels amazing! Then yesterday I kind of got glum about it because my classes are so spread out between different classes and I know I'm gonna hear a mouthful about that but now I really don't care :D WEEEE!!

Obviously there's not much going on in life right now lol other than my epiphanies :D

Monday I'm gonna help ms eaton move her stuff and see Mia and Amanda :D Then deal with CSN because their registration system hates me and theennnn go to UMC cause my knee is popping. Lately I've been wearing my brace a bit too much meaning I gotta get it checked! OH NOES!

Okay no more dramatics sorry xD I'll leave you with a song I just learned on the guitar. It's adorable :]

BTW Mia, Boston is from that first scene where jace is playing the piano. In case you didn't see my comment x]

Just To Get Away

This song was a part of the playlist for the fanfic I was reading. It's perfect for the moment :']

Wiiindyyy

It's so nice out today! Just the wind kills it a little cause of allergies -_- I couldn't breathe when I went to sleep this morning. Yes, this morning. Mia's fanfic got me up all night because all of a sudden the chapters were ending in cliff hangers and I couldn't NOT find out what happened next x]

I'm so "UGH" today, like I've had enough but I'm not quite sure what I've had enough of. Maybe my brothers' attitudes are starting to piss me off since I'm stuck with them all the time now. I dunno. As weird as it sounds I've been thinking about my neighbor lately. I'm not quite sure why because we never talk, only hellos at little barbecues and such and he's 2 or 3 years younger than me so I can't think about him in THAT way. I dunno. Yeah when I'm older 2/3 years won't seem like much but at the moment nyeh.

You know in some books where the girl meets this guy who is mysterious because he's doing whatever he wants without anyone knowing about it? He's so spontaneous and he's okay with being by himself or doesn't care that everyone calls him names because he's different, he's hot nonetheless because he has that mystery about him and he's so free-spirited and caring but nobody takes the time to know that. Then they fall in love because the girl is different from other girls and she relieves him of any pain he has and he lets her in on his little secrets that she's okay with, even if they're bad. I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to have some ordinary life, waiting for someone to show up and surprise me with their care. I want to be the guy. To be free-spirited, not care about other teens who are stupid because of how immature they are, and meet that special person that will make me feel better. I won't be waiting for "prince charming", just live my life however I want and stumble upon him one day. No expectations. No depressing wait for "the one". Just live and let it happen, whenever it's meant to be.

Ramble, ramble, ramble. Sorry I've been thinking a lot.



Toodles ♥

How Shall I Begin?

Happy or sad first? I guess happy, ending with sad will leave you with an impression of what's going on with "Inner Tiffany" so maybeeeeee..... yeah I will lol

#rewrite
I already posted this but I kept thinking about the ending that I forgot the actually funny part I wanted to write. Soo:

It's hilarious going through old things. Today I cleaned out my desk and found a bunch of notes and such from middle school that makes me embarrassed of myself and that's pretty hard to do x] I was a freak, I'll admit that. Honestly I don't remember much of middle school but my gosh my little diary entries are embarrassing how obsessed I was with certain things. Then I found this little notebook from high school that I had my friends sign because I didn't buy a yearbook. I could not help but smile to myself because of certain people writing certain things, such as:

"You meanies! Lol I love you dorks... just not gonna go to the bathroom with you guys xP"
-At applebees we went to the bathroom and I was holding her stall door because it was broken. I told our friends to face the other way and kicked the door open, making her scream even though we couldn't see her. It was HILARIOUS!

"Blueberry Muffin♥♥♥ He's so hot! UGH! With his muscles DANG! Edward Cullen ♥ Sexy ♥ FCK Jacob and his strawberryness but Taylor Lautner....DAMN!"
-HAHAHAHA I LOVE THAT GIRL! We had funny conversations in p.e. giving certain people "flavor" nicknames. Nick Jonas=Blueberries Taylor Lautner=Cinnamon Edward Cullen-Chocolate Chips Jacob Black=Strawberries. Nick Jonas and Edward Cullen taste good together as a muffin, just saying ;]

"I can see your hairy penis you should shave it that's gross"
-Cody such a FREAK! lol! He always said, wrote and did weird things like that but he was hilarious x]

"Hey dogg, forshizzle, bo dizzle in da hizzle cajizzle my nizzle biatch!! P.O.D. (Peace Out Dogg) p.s. Jimmy"
-Jimmy is the little white boy I've known almost all my life. Picture a skinny white boy saying that and you can't not laugh. Especially since when he wrote this he was still shorter than me.

"Next year's gonna be so much fun! We'll hav emore deep talks and more making fun of people! You Rock My World!"
-She ended up making gossip about me and talking trash. Hence no longer friends. Irony much?

"You were one of my first friends in Nevada You are a great person! DON'T EVER CHANGE!"
-Fake biotch xP She stole my ipod when I went to the bathroom.

"Well thanks for all the support next year and the other years in the future lol :]"
-She and I stopped being friends the next year because I got mad at her and didn't talk to her for like a day, that night she called me "bitch" and other things to one of my best friends. Stupid move girl.

"It was cool meeting you this cuz you're hella tight. Have a great summer."
-I became good friends with him and he was dating the girl in the entry above him. But he understood and agreed with me when I was mad at her. After the next year he wouldn't talk to me anymore because of her and started trash talking too. *sigh high school. Stupid drama, stupid people. WHATEVS!


My sister got into a car accident today. I know you're probably thinking 'WTF why is that happy?!' Well because she's okay, I'm happy that she's perfectly okay. Well a little bit sore and nothing is broken or damaged so I'm happy about it. Some jerk driver ran a red light and hit her car. Thank God my niece wasn't in the car with her :[ That wouldn't have made it a happy thing if she were there, she's much more fragile.

I figured out that I shouldn't read as much as I do because I feel like an absolutely useless piece of shit. ('WTF Tiffany that's not happy either!') But it's true, I even considered taking all of my books out of my room or even selling them (DON'T KILL ME MIA!?) I am still going to read just not as much. It's because I had an epiphany. There's so much going on in my life and in the world and I realized I'm not doing much to help fix it. With my life I feel like it's useless to try because... well I don't know anymore. It just doesn't feel right anymore. I mean it's not like I was doing anything to make it worse but I want to make things better. I want to help people and help make people happy. So I'm going to make myself more efficient. I'm not sure specifically how I'm going to do everything but I'm looking around for solutions. 'Tiffany this STILL isn't happy' I know, I know. The happy part is the fanfic I'm reading at the moment that Mia sent to me :] It's AMAZINGLY FLUFFY! lol! At first I couldn't read it but it became more fluff than about death so I kept going. And the reason I was having a hard time reading it?


REST IN PEACE LOLA♥
In Loving Memory:
Sophia Cadiena
1913-2011

My grandma passed away this past weekend :[ When I don't think about it it doesn't hurt so much and I can go on laughing and cracking jokes and acting wierd (extra weird because of pms). But times like this when I'm just thinking. It hurts :[ She's lived in the Philippines for almost as long as I've lived here but I love her SO MUCH. The last time I saw her was the summer after seventh grade. She was still so happy and she didn't look very sick. It was about six years ago. Since then I've seen pictures of her that I could barely look at because it's just so sad. It was like the life was draining from her and you can see it. It's weird to laugh but she could still crack me up even with morbid things. My dad is in the Philippines currently and a few days before he left my aunt told him that my grandma kept saying "I want to die already I'm tired" then my aunt told her my dad was going to visit and my grandma just stopped complaining and said "ok." When my dad told me that I couldn't help but smile. My grandma was such an amazing person, everyone loved her, she was so sweet and king and generous. I love her so much and I miss her SO MUCH. Sometimes I would dream about her. After that last time I saw her I would dream about different things and she would be there. I would wake up crying because I missed her. I liked having those dreams because I felt connected with her, like she was sending me a message, just for me. Now I'm kind of scared of having dreams about her because I don't know what would happen. Her funeral is tomorrow.. I wish I could be there.

I Know..

I've been gone for awhile but I was busy with finals and trying not to be so gloomy anymore :] SO! The semesters over but I don't know like any of my grades >< and I can't enroll into my English classes because those grades aren't inputted into the registrars or whatever :P oh well! Hmm I don't think there's much to tell about what has been happening lately, just been catching up with some of my friends that I've missed SO MUCH!

Lazy day and a Hoover Dam day trip makes one tired, I slept like 12 hours last night D:

Nothing much, summertime is here :D Yay!

It's Coming!

The end of the semester! Thank God! Mkay i figured I'd get a lot of homework but my gosh there was so much readings and my English class was just a bunch of crap because I didn't learn much but I still had to do an essay every two weeks and responses in between those ><.

Anyways Happy late Easter :]
I can finally cuss again because Lent is over but I think I'm gonna try to keep out of that habit.

I finally got City of Fallen Angels!!!!! :DD I was so happy but I haven't read it yet but I will SOON! Then today I got a bunch of books also: Someone Like You (Dessen), This Lullaby (Dessen), Monster (Peretti), When It Happens (Colasanti) and Forever (Blume). The best part about getting those books is the total price.. $3.50 :] I love the used bookstore. All of them are in almost perfect condition. I won't get books that are ratty or bent x[ Signs of an anal book keeper haha.

The weather has become so warm lately I can't wear my new super soft sweater :[ Plus the allergies! My gosh they've never been so bad before. This wind really needs to calm its tits before everyone becomes red eyed O.O Mine were burning so badly last night I couldn't even blink right! BUT! silver lining of yesterday? I got sucked into playing Mortal Kombat with steven and got totally addicted. Too bad it was a rental cause I was getting good xD

Hmm what else? I haven't written in like 2 weeks. Oh well ummmmbye!

Springtime♥

I love this weather/season :] It's when I take out all my John Mayer songs and put them on repeat during the sunny, warm afternoon ♥



I know I've been posting his songs a lot lately but they make me happy :]]

SERIOUSLY?!

Bah! wowwww freaking people these days. I am usually very cautious towards other people, especially towards people I don't know. But when I people on the street asking for money its so sketchy because you hear about all these people who actually are pretty rich but they get rich by pretending to be bums! It's so sickening! Those people just make it worse for those who really need the money and depend on it. So as sorry as I am for those people who really need it, I don't give out money that much. Food and water should be given instead honestly. But this lady at walmart (I am so irritated by this!) comes up to me when I get out of my car, actually not even I was still sitting in my car. Well she comes up to me and says she needs to get to her doctors appointment thats on Cheyenne and 2-15, she's pregnant, she told me her name, and she asked for help because others keep turning her down. I felt sorry for her, I really did! Now this is why I'm so sketchy towards other people. I gave her 5 dollars (of the whopping 20 dollars I had :P) and she said thank you and left. Now in vegas 5 dollars is the exact amount for an all day pass for the bus. You buy it and dont have to pay for the rest of the day, no matter if you switch buses and whatnot. But this lady THIS LADY WHO'S "SUPPOSEDLY" PREGANANT, goes away and as I walk into walmart I look for her and she's hiding from me, watching me. WHATTHEEFF! I'm a poor college student. The only money I get is my $20 allowance and I use that to pay for school supplies, my food for the week and I have to pay to get my dad's car washed today. I don't have a job and I have to pay for my own things at home also. So if this lady was honest with me and really did have to go to the doctors appointment then I wouldn't be so agitated right now. This week I seriously have a lot to pay for and I had just enough to actually get lunch today. Now I don't. You might say 'well how do you know she didn't get on the bus?' Because when I drove off (about 7 minutes later) she was gone, the bus had not come yet, she wasn't at either bus stops and cheyenne is FAR from here. To get to Cheyenne and the 2-15 it's multiple bus transfers and would take practically forever to get to.

Seriously, what the eff. I'm so tired of the sh*t thats been happening but this particular incident just ticks me the hell off because it not only affects me but it affects other people who really need money. People like her ruin it for all of them.

Vegas, I extremely dislike you.
Lady, I am SEVERLY disappointed in you.
May God have pity on your soul.
:P

Now I'm at the library on campus trying to calm down and re-assess my week. It feels like one heck of a week is coming at me and today is just the beginning "/ My anthropology midterm is this week and I'm scared of it. Open note, open book, open whatever you want. But my professor says that since he knows it would happen anyways, he makes the test so hard that you HAVE to use those resources. It's a timed test, you can take it at home but it's still kind of scary to me ><


I was hoping to get CoFA this week too :[ two words can sum that up: not happening.

"Happy" Sunday

Ever feel like you can just skip all this crap and just be an adult already? Live in your own place, have a career, maybe a family?

AARGGGGH! D':< <--summary of my day I seriously want to scream "FUCKYOU" and withdraw from all my classes so his money will be wasted >>>:|

Go Away Jace!... But Come Back Later Please??

JM-I Don't Need No Doctor


AHHH! ITS EVERYWHERE!!! I love cassandra clare novels, I do. I love Jace, I REALLY do. But ITS EVERYWHERE! I feel like I should unfollow some people on twitter so I dont get spoilers D: haehfinrfivrfvajijdrjairfd its 230 am :] Im hyped on coffee yayyy! OOH! So I've had reoccurring nausea all week and today I got a migraine (double yayy) or just a really really bad headache because of my eye strain xD BUT! It gave me an excuse to shut everything off and listen to an audio book in the dark x] I LOVE ALONG FOR THE RIDE! Like it's all about second chances, finding love, being your own person and I WANT THAT! I really want to read City of Fallen Angels but my mental state might not be able to handle it right now. The Jace/Clary relationship is just too sweet, I might either throw up or just get frustrated by life. Sure I'm busy with school crap but that has never stopped me from reading a book before especially an anticipated one. D: I understand now what my psych professor was talking about now when he said that suicides occur more often in the spring time. Like everything is blooming, things get brighter, you see more people out and about than in the winter and everyone just seems so happy and all these COUPLES! *sigh I PROMISE no suicidal thoughts for me, just dark, depressing, introverted mania x]

I don't need no doctor,
Cause I know what's ailing me yeah
...
Now the doctor said I need rest
Before I need *his tenderness
He put me on the critical list
When all I need is *his sweet kiss
He gave me a medicated lotion
But it didn't soothe
My emotion yeaahh

If you don't like those lyrics you should at least listen to it because of the amazing guitar skills!

Sleep Sleep Sleep. Gosh who needs it?! If they can stay up until three and procrastinate like I am pssh they don't need sleep lol. That essay due saturday? Yeah haven't done it yet. Found out I had to do another assignment for that class too. YUPP I think it's official, I'm freaking losing my mind.

I love his live performances ♥

My cup is pretty :]

So I tried googling my blog to see if it would pop up so I can know how easy it would be for my family to stalk me xD BUT I found another blogspot called 'Is It Friday Yet?' and it made me giggle :] They also got their inspiration from a cup like me xD

This is mine :]

This is theirs

You gotta admit mine is pretty :] Theirs is chocolatey :]

I'm gonna leave my rant for another time, when the weather ain't so nice and I got a feeling of 'oh-crap-i-hate-my-life' BUT I'm tired and it's so pretty outside! It's perfect nap weather...

Just thought that was interesting for some reason. Buuuut yeah exam tomorrow gotta study!

:]

Why so nauseous?

DD:Ferreal I don't know why I'm so nauseous, its been like this all day :[ Anyways I totally BEASTED my exam today! Well I feel like I did so right now I'm procrastinating a bit. Just for you Mia here's my day :]

I woke up, went to phil 101, class let out early, studied for ...

A mosquito just appeared in my room and when I tried to kill it it disappeared...D:!
I REALLY do not like mosquitos. I am so paranoid about malaria and getting bitten and having that HUGE bump thats a daily reminder of how you were its dinner O.O I just cleaned my room and my door was open so it probably flew somewhere else because it seriously pulled a Houdini.

ANYWAYS so I studied for my psy exam, started to walk to psy 101, saw someone, tried not to cry, saw someone else, felt a teeny bit better, sat outside the building to wait for my class, tried to not cry again because I started thinking too much. UGH anyways it was all up and down from there and a serious depression as I got home.

On a happy note I think I aced my exam :]
AND I'm still alive :] So God has plans for me, so today wasn't so bad right?

AND! heres a picture of cholo in my shirt..

He's in there because that's how I smuggled him upstairs and it just became convenient to leave him there lol! I had layers on so it's nothing nasty D:

Umm the letters. Yupp. I'll keep doing them but I'm going to have to do them offline and post multiple days at once so that I can just do them in my spare time at school or something then type them up at home. So yupp they're coming!

Mia! My next post will probably be a HUUUGE emotional rant so I recon you don't want to read it xD just a heads up because I have so much crap running through my mind I gotta let it out "/

♥ Goodnight

D:

I KNOW! I'm behind on my letters DDDD: BUSY BUSY BUSY! I'll make up for them tomorrow MAYBE. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigg MAYBE. If I bring lappy to school.. maybe BAH! BYE!

Day 5 - My Dreams

Dear Dreams,

Sleep Dream: You're so complicated sometimes. Like I'll know what you're saying one day then the next its some freaky scary dream that something or someone is at my window. That REALLY scared the crap out of me! Please change it from those to more cutesy dreams like with cute guys like you do sometimes mkay? :] Like those random ones with Nick J? They come out of no where but hey, I'm not complaining haha!

Future Dreams: I used to see you so clearly. I would know 'okay this is what I have to do and this is how long it will take me'. But now everythings just crap and I'm being held back and getting stuck in a rut. I totally sucks. I'll reach you eventually though :] I will!

♥ Tiffany

Day 4 - The Sibling

Dear Mark,

I miss you! I hate how you always change your number and we never have a way to contact you except through Jett. Out of our gen of Cadienas you're like the only one who doesn't push me out of the circle like everyone else does. Everyone else treats me like I'm ignorant but when they're drinking is practically the only time they really give me props. Other than ate Carla and Nonoy of course :] They just care for everyone ♥ But yeah, I'd say you understand me more. You get that I don't like to talk all the time and when people make me talk they make it insanely awkward like they don't know how to talk to me. But you're awesome :D like always.

I wish you were better though. I don't mean you're a bad person or not good enough. I mean that I wish you were happier and would take care of yourself better. Everyone can depend on you and you can depend on us so I wish you would let us help you clean up. Dad and Jett can be rough, I know. They're old school and strict but then you have everyone else that won't be so rough. You're nice, dependable and caring. You deserve a better life. I hope you can see that.

♥ Tiffany

Procrastinations and Pokemon

UGH! I'm like procrastinating on my anthro readings again because I was happy and proud of myself that I knew I'd be done early but then SURPRISE! another pops up on the syllabus that I didn't see before. I absolutely HAVE to read it though because we're having a class discussion on it tomorrow and it's graded -_- so that's why I'm procrastinating. I did all these readings before (except for the freaking houdini one) so I was just going to annotate them over spring break. But you know what I did? Bum. Pretty much. Yupp. Bunny said 'yesh! spring break you're mine!' but I didn't even see her all week lol. We had plans to go to mt charleston at sunrise to see how pretty it is but when i woke up at 5 am i got a text about how going when one just wants to sleep more isn't so nice xD So that was a bust. Practically the entire spring break I bummed playing pokemon diamond all week because steven got me addicted to it. I hadn't played pokemon since I was little when it was still only the red and blue and yellow(gold?) versions. But Justin's had it and finished it and steven has his own and wanted to battle someone so I got on, got addicted, and started my own profile xD

I guess spring break wasn't a total waste. I caught up on a philosophy assignment that I didn't know was even assigned yet until friday when my teacher was like oh yeah that reading I told you guys about.... Yupp first time hearing about it. I space in that class occasionally. Like today I was totally in.thee.zone! But out of nowhere I wonder where my lost sunglasses went and then wondered if I left them at my aunts and such and such and the next thing I hear is something something something about physics and psychology. WHAT?! I thought this was philosophy. Oh goodness. This is why I need to remember my coffee in the morning.

That too. I drink coffee again. Well more than tea now. Coffee is for class. Tea is for homework. Yeahh I'm just wasting my own time now aren't I?

This is possibly when I lost my beloved sunglasses. See how Steven and I are holding our DSi? One guess to what we're playing lol Aren't they cute kids? Happy 98th Birthday Lola!


There was a whole week that I didn't come onto here and I forgot to check ms. Mia's blog updates. Then I see her new one today and realize I skipped like three of her entries because I didn't check D: Good job Tifffany. You're an awesome friend. Lol xD

Mia! Summer is going to be OURS! Or well hopefully lol. The sad thing about looking forward to my summer is the uncertainty of it all. I want to take summer classes but I don't think I can pay for them. Then I want a summer job but the chance of rejection from everything makes me scared of the possibility of another bum summer. You know what would make my summer fun no matter what? A guy. Yupp haha. But as usual, no prospects.

Lately I've been getting messages/texts from friends that I haven't talked to in awhile. They're like my good friends that I just don't see and it's always great to know that even when we haven't talked in awhile we're still friends :] Like, all the time when I think of how many friends I have I think 'oh I lost a lot but I'm happy with my small group.' But then my older old friends do stuff like this and I'm just totally awe about it! I miss them! But they are so farrrrrrr!

Anyways, gotta go read the houdini paper about native burials (weeeeeeeeee! :P)
I'll do Day 3 later. Maybe. Or I'll skip day 3. I don't really know what to write to my parents and have no time to do a draft..... Okay wasting time BYE!&HEARTS;

Day 2 - The Crush

Dear Jace, Wes and Peeta;

WHY CAN'T YOU BE REAL?!? Please?

Love always,
♥ Tiffany

Day 1 - The Best Friend

Dear OML,

IMY! I tried talking to you last night but you were getting drunk like a bum lol I would love to write you a long letter buuuuuut I'm kind of short on time. But I'll say this, you might be the only person that I feel comfortable about being drunk. AND if someday I feel like being stupid and letting loose for some strange reason and you happen to be in town. Lets go party! I know you'll be there for me if some weird guys try to push up on me or if I loose my common sense and I'm entirely thankful for that :] We've been through things together and we know that we can easily piss each other off but hey, if we're still friends then we know our limits and care enough to stay within them right? All your boy drama worries me because I don't know if you do it so you don't feel alone or to make yourself feel better. But you should know by now that you DEFINITELY don't need a boy in your life to be happy. Because you're the craziest person when you're single and you know how to have fun (while still being "sensible" of course lol).
I love you and miss you and I'm always here if you want to talk or just need a little sarcasm back in your life.

♥ Tiffany

30 Days, 30 Letters

Day 1- Your Best Friend
Day 2- Your crush
Day 3- Your Parents
Day 4- Your Sibling
Day 5- Your Dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to,
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror


I felt like doing one of those 30 day things but I didn't want to bite one off of people I know. So I stumbled across this while I was looking up nerdy-bookwormy-aka-very-me-like things. So ummmm yupp here we go :] ACTUALLY I'll start this after in the pm cause I needa wake up early and since I only have few very close friends and no specific best friend I think I'll just write it to a very close friend :] It's not that I'm a snob and think I'm too good to call anyone my best friend. I just think I'm jinxed with best friends because I've lost about every one that I had, one came back though so no pity party tiffany :] lol

Goodnight!♥

*sniff

My current music fancy :]


I'm getting lazy with this. I CANNOT get lazy with this! mmmmkay so! the past ten days what has happened? School. Lots of school. But now (THANKS GOD!) I'm on spring break, yesterday was my last class. Seriously though, my English class is not a real class. What we talked about yesterday was mainly Jersey Shore and Facebook. We didn't go over the reading, we didn't really learn anything and all I really went for was to turn in my essays. But she has this really slick rule: if you are 15 minutes late or leave 15 minutes early, you're considered absent. Oh wells we let out early anyways.

Mia was in town this week because practically everyone has an earlier spring break than CSN. I realized something about when Mia comes home, I usually don't see her until like the very last day. I don't do it intentionally it just happens that way. I also finally talked to my sister on friday, it was like a reminder about the upcoming summer and what I'm gonna be doing during it. Hopefully I'll be working, I need to start saving up for going to the U. My sister, Jessica, is going to Hawaii and invited me. That's so tempting! But there is also summer classes to think about. Hopefully it will be a productive summer, it would suck to end up bumming the entire break.

The weather here is being bipolar (AGAIN) and for once my allergies are really insanely, kill-me-now, kinda horrible. If I had a sore throat it could be considered for the flu but nope. Zyrtec please? Last week had insanely beautiful weather but all of a sudden we're hit with full cloud cover and blustering winds. My poor baby is sick too :[ but she likes wind and won't come inside. What's one to do?

Class canceled :]

Yesterday was CRAZY! Woke up late and proceeded to burn my hand with hot water from the kettle >< All I wanted was some tea! Then I was so excited that I was bringing my lunch because I made it especially healthy, driving down the street I realized I forgot it and had no time to back and get it. THEN I was pretty starving (no breakfast you see) and so I bought a croissant at the coffee shop on campus and ate it in class. After class I bought some lunch and went to starbucks to get some work done. But when I go sit at an outdoor table some guy on his cell phone decides to hover around my table for shade while he talks loudly. Ferreal? There was shade at the other emptier tables >< It all felt so rushed but I decided to go back to campus and go on my lappy outside my next class, which then I was gonna blog but then he started writing notes early and now my draft sits there waiting for me to delete it :[

Silver lining of the day? I ate apple pie when I got home lol

I tried to make an experiment with that stalkerish guy in my psych class but it failed because (a) he was later than usual (b)after class he popped out a cigarette. Because of exhibit b, ew. So unless something like exciting happens I won't be talking about him much :P

I now find Google pretty creepy. Seriously. I googled myself to see what sites would come up and you can find some pretty personal stuff about people! My stuff wasn't really there (Thank God). I don't know why but it wasn't. This one website came up where a list of people with the same last name came up. I clicked on my name and my mom's stuff came up. That's not good either but I'm still happy I'm kind of off the map haha xD

adfghjkl; MKAY now I'm just procrastinating. I got another essay to do :P A new mantra maybe? I do like English essays, I do like English essays, I do like English essays! Coffee time!

Silent Night

So I know I'm actually supposed to be sleeping even though it's pretty early but I keep thinking :P Ever have that moment when someone just pisses you off with their rudeness and then you just get all these angry flashbacks that just piss you off some more? It's annoying. I would love to go hiking right now but, well, trail is dangerous at night obviously.

I can't sleep. I keep thinking about all these unfair things and all the things everyone says. UGH! I went to church today and in the sermon the priest said, "It's who you are before what you do or say" or something like that give or take a few words. I wish people would actually listen to him though. This is one of those times where flashbacks taunt my brain. In a way saying 'oh you can't do it' or 'wow you suck at life'. But ferreal, I need to leave. I need to more than want to to save my own sanity D: For now I can clear my head with the chilly night air through my open window. Sitting against the window sill at at night with the fresh air coming in has always calmed me down. Always has, always will :] Just thought writing here would help clear it a little faster. Goodnight♥

Monkeys in Dreamland

So a local borders is closing down and they have practically everything in the store 25%-50% off. After my english class today I went there and wanted to buy two Sarah Dessen books and a book called Fallen that I've wanted to read for at least a year. BUT NO I had to be a responsible spender and buy that pocket dictionary I've been needing and only one Sarah Dessen book.

You see that lonely book on my somewhat cluttered desk? That book is Sarah Dessen's Dreamland. It's sitting there wondering what it did wrong in the 7 hours it has been here so that it has to be neglected. Lonely with no friends on a cold, hard desk in a strange room it's never seen before... you hear that? It's crying D': I can't touch it though! I told myself I wouldn't read it until I finished all my Anthro readings that I fell behind in. It really is mostly my fault I fell behind so I'm sorry Dreamland! I'll come rescue you eventually!

Lately it feels like everyday is long and tiring. Go to school at 1020am, class study class, then come home and do homework which, for the most part, is all reading. But my eyes, my poor poor eyes, can't take it like they used to. I'm supposed to use reading glasses when I wear my contacts but I never had to read so strenuously before so I never replaced my broken ones! So pretty much this week I've been coming home and napping because my eyes doth protest too much. That's also why I've been sucked into trying audio books for my leisurely readings: if I'm not required to read it, I'll listen to it instead. So my first try at an audio book isn't too bad. It's Along for the Ride by, yes, Sarah Dessen. What can I say? I'm hooked on her books lately so I'm trying to read them all. But I've read Along for the Ride before that's why I'm trying the audio book on it so I don't have to pay too much attention.

Blah, blah blah. OH! So I'm not sure to take a certain situation creepy or as a compliment of sort. I've noticed that cute guy from my psych class likes to watch me enter the building before class (he's usually outside smoking [EW]). I always thought it was pretty cute how he'll just watch me go in but on wednesday I came in from the other parking lot but he was already inside because he's tryna quit smoking. He watched me in the hallway, which I still felt was cute because I'm conceited that way LOL! That's not the confusing thing though. It was after class that was creepy-ish. He watched me go to my car. I noticed when I sat in my seat and turned to close the door and I saw him watching me. I guess he couldn't see me looking at him because the tinting on my windows are so dark plus my sunglasses were on but it was still kinda wierd. Then even when I cranked the engine he was watching me. Then I started to back out of my spot and when I turned around VOILA! He disappeared :O Creepy or not? I don't know for sure but it gave me a GREAAAT story idea :D Sadly it probably won't be written "/

OH yesterday I ran into an old acquaintance Cody when I was walking home from Starbucks on a beautiful afternoon :] He used to piss me off but now he looks different and was totally chill! I love when boys mature haha I don't think I should study at Starbucks anymore though. I tend to daydream with cozy atmospheres x]

MS RYSHANNE MIA CASTILLO! I saw your post and I miss you too! Sorry I haven't texted or anything I've been busy :[ But I think your Big Bang obsession is way worse than your Jonas one ever was lol! I hope you keep up with your blog cause that's the only way I have of knowing you're alive xD♥


Is there anything super important I forgot about this week? I can't remember. UHMMMMMMMMMMMM....

I think that's a good enough update yeah? I need to get on with my monkey/neanderthal readings so I can save Dreamland!

So Sleepy... D:

So sooo sleepy "/ School is fine. Home is okay. Trying to listen to an audio-book. Just felt like I should update D: Maybe saturday for a full one. mmmmmkay nap time :P

Oh Irony!

I know Sarah Dessen doesn't read my blog but I thought this was ironically funny :]

She is hands down one of my favorite authors so seeing that made me giggle quite a bit. Great author, used to teach at UNC, and she seems like an awesome person when you read her blog. So what's not to like?

Letters to Juliet

For psychology I have to write my own obituary and draw out my lifeline. I tried to write the obit yesterday but it felt so morbid. It's due tomorrow and I still haven't written it but I'm happy to be watching Lopez Tonight right after watching a beautiful movie :] It's a good change of scenery? Emotion? Whatever it feels much happier haha

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

I finally watched it :'] Letters to Juliet is such an inspirational movie about love and adventure AGH! so cute!! I think I'd be a lot happier to find a long lost love (even though I don't have one yet) than to have a creepo stalker forever thinking I have the hots for him (which sadly I have one). I'm gonna be a total hopeless romantic and say I Will Find My Romeo♥. It makes me want to travel to Italy to see if there really is a group of secretaries of Juliet and if people really write letters to her and post it on that wall. It'd be a great place to visit for sure :] Even if it's all just a story. Speaking of! I found out it's a book so that means I'm gonna read it fashooo!

So I'm thinking of reviewing the books I read on here. Even if nobody reads my blog it'll be good practice for when I'm older right? Maybe I'll do it, who knows?

You Rock My World♥

This weekend has really kicked my ass. Yesterday I slept at 3am got up at 830, went to class for three hours, came home, ate and took a "nap". I say "nap" because I woke up at about 5 something in the afternoon xD. So I was up until 3 because I was writing a narrative essay that really shouldn't have kept me up that long, but, it was a sucky situation. It had to be personal so I was shy about the peer editing we were going to do in class but I gave my paper to a nice looking lady and she said she liked it! When we were about to be let out she said I handled myself a lot better than she would've because she would have retaliated xD I told her I had a guilty conscious about that stuff but right when I said it I felt stupid. What I should've sad was "I have a guilty conscious but I know when to tell it to shut the hell up when need be" lol. I was totally gonna say "..so I can handle my business" but I felt that was a little too gangsta-ish for me xD

I ended up watching netflix movies all night, I felt I deserved it ;D. Except this one move, What Goes Up, with Hilary Duff and Josh Peck where they were some SERIOUSLY creepy people and it kind of ruined my mind frame cause the movie was kind of traumatizing. I only watched it until the end because I was hoping everything was going to be better and all yippy skippy but nope, depressing. So, to lift my spirits, I watched G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra. How did that lift my spirits? CHANNING TATUM DUH! No just kidding it wasn't just him lol. I like the casting to that movie cause there's Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marlon Wayans too. Funny and action go together ;] OH I watched Me and Orson Wells too! I'd never seen it before but since I'm such a Shakespeare junky I couldn't resist. Plus Zac Efron reciting Shakespeare just made it better♥

So supposedly I'm doing all my anthro readings right now, but in actuality I'm watching some Michael Jackson music videos♥ If you can watch some mob-looking people have a dance off instead of shooting each other and not feel quite giddy... Well then you must not like your life lol. Totally kidding!

Mkay no more procrastinating -_- Off to read about some monkeys!

Happy Valentine's Daayy-Week?

ITS MY FRIDAY! Kind of? Well you see I have school from Mondays-Thursdays, no class on Friday, an English class on Saturday and then off again on Sunday. Soo it's my Friday/Saturday morning right now. I intended on writing on Monday (Valentine's Day ♥) but my euphoria kind of died towards the evening after getting home and such and such. BUT since I'm here I might as well tell you my day anyways :] Or urm I mean my Monday-day. ANYWAYS it was a lovely day and the weather was perfect like seriously it went from cold to perfect and back down the next day. Maybe because the warmth of love was in the air? Oooooh how cheesy! lol! Well so my day was just so blissful. No I didn't have a valentine. Nope I don't have a boyfriend to buy me flowers and chocolates. BUT a nice, cute-ish barista at Starbucks gave me a free drink certificate thingy. Who wouldn't jump for joy for free Starbucks?! He kept saying sorry because my drink supposedly took forever to get to me, but honestly I didn't think it took that long. The Starbucks down the street from my house can honestly take forever but this one (which is by my college campus) took like 3 minutes tops. Or it might've felt that way because there were two cute (and I mean KA-YOOTE!) guys sitting by the door playing chess.

I gotta say, I'm a sucker for cute nerdy guys. But these guys didn't even look nerdy. They were just pretty hot and showed that they actually have an IQ by how intense their match looked. lol I know I can get a little excited about seeing cute guys so I'm just going to stop myself. And just for the record, I don't go fangirl on every cute guy. It's just nice to notice them ;]

Sooo as the day went on I brought my green tea latte back to campus with me and tried to study in my car. I have a 2 hour window in between my classes on Mondays&Wednesdays so I usually go to my car to study but that day was just so nice and I was getting a sense of euphoria because of how nice everything felt and I ended up spacing out with the windows down and listening to music with my Anthro book on my lap. Who would've thought that a 2-hour space out could happen right? After that I had psych and the cute guy in class and I had an encounter that just made me giggly.

BUT I know I've talked enough about cute guys in this entry so I'll just say I had another encounter today with an "in-training" EMT ;] that's pretty much it. I had a good week but I don't feel like writing more. I've got lots to do this weekend. Edit a friend's paper, going to watch I Am Number Four tomorrow and homework, homework, homework. D: Good thing it's President's Day on monday, NO SCHOOL! TGIF :D

Aye Aye ;]

So I started a different blog to keep track of what happens to me on my road to success!(Yes cliche but its a keeper) This spring semester is my first semester of college and my goal is to go to graduate school at UNC-Chapel Hill for English :] Hardships, tear-jerkers, laughs and such will all show up here, But I figured i should write a gist of who I am and what's up at the moment.

My name: Tiffany
Age: 18
aaaand some fun facts:

1. I have 5 siblings
2. My dog's name is Baby<3 3. My brother's dog (that I take care of) is Cholo
4. I think my brother's dog's name is quite dumb
5. I constantly read books
6. Outdoors > Indoors
7. I'm a people person but I have few close friends
8. A Mommy's girl
9. I ♥ God :]
10. I believe hiking is the best way to clear a head

Yeah that's pretty much it. Not too bad of a start but I really hope I'm able to keep up with it. I tend to be forgetful about writing in my diary/blogs. I'm not even sure I want to make this public or not sooooooooooo we'll see?