I Don't Know

I don't know what life is right now. It's like I can't do anything, I'm entirely incapable of getting my life on track. I keep hurting myself and I don't know why. I don't even realize that I'm damaging myself until the deed is already done. How can I fix myself when I can barely have a complete thought? Today I even just laid on the floor and "typed out" my thoughts into the carpet. Crazy right? I'm fucking coo coo for cocoa puffs. I understand those people that do things to feel whole/needed now. I just can't seem to let some go because I feel cared for even though it doesn't seem like they really do. I deny myself the confidence of care. I won't accept the thought of people caring for me. I always feel like it's some big conspiracy. My nonbestfriend could do better, she could easily drop me and she could go on with her life while I lose the closest friend I have. That's how I feel towards practically everyone. People who I thought were my friends don't seem as such no matter what. I love them, I really do, but I can't give them my all because I'm so hesitant. My suspicions make me hesitant to commit to a simple friendship because it would be so easy to break me. I'm so tired of being broken. I want to be fixed and fucking move on with my life. I want to go move to an entirely new place where no one except my mom, steven and nonbestfriends can find me. I want to start new. I want to make my life a fucking adventure that I'll never forget. But for now I feel like a hobo, staying at a whore house, unable to take care of herself.

In all the books and movies that relate, there are supposed to be fireworks or some type of spark in that first kiss. But what if you just feel an overwhelming warmth that makes you feel at home? You're comfortable with this new person and they make you want more. What if all you wanted was to find your way home and this is how you get there. Could it be possible that the more you care for this person, the more the sparks show? Love does not have to be at first sight. Love can grow and you grow along with it. You'll be lucky enough to find a person that's worth it, so why judge it on the first kiss. Don't judge it on that. That can change, you can change, they can change and then it will all fit. Then don't let go, consider yourself lucky.