I Don't Know

I don't know what life is right now. It's like I can't do anything, I'm entirely incapable of getting my life on track. I keep hurting myself and I don't know why. I don't even realize that I'm damaging myself until the deed is already done. How can I fix myself when I can barely have a complete thought? Today I even just laid on the floor and "typed out" my thoughts into the carpet. Crazy right? I'm fucking coo coo for cocoa puffs. I understand those people that do things to feel whole/needed now. I just can't seem to let some go because I feel cared for even though it doesn't seem like they really do. I deny myself the confidence of care. I won't accept the thought of people caring for me. I always feel like it's some big conspiracy. My nonbestfriend could do better, she could easily drop me and she could go on with her life while I lose the closest friend I have. That's how I feel towards practically everyone. People who I thought were my friends don't seem as such no matter what. I love them, I really do, but I can't give them my all because I'm so hesitant. My suspicions make me hesitant to commit to a simple friendship because it would be so easy to break me. I'm so tired of being broken. I want to be fixed and fucking move on with my life. I want to go move to an entirely new place where no one except my mom, steven and nonbestfriends can find me. I want to start new. I want to make my life a fucking adventure that I'll never forget. But for now I feel like a hobo, staying at a whore house, unable to take care of herself.