Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Just posting this so I can delete the post it
...It is ever painful to a candid mind to exhibit the deformed features of its own species; yet truth requires a just portrait of the public delinquent, though he may possess such a share of private virtue as would lead us to esteem the man in his domestic character, while we detest his political, and execrate his public transactions.
"Creating an American Culture"
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I'm Insanely Happy
..for the time being :D Well, like most teenagers, I've been needing to find out who I am. Then this weekend I realized I know who I am and I've known all along but I've been suppressing it. I like to please people, but I always knew I was a push over so I would stand up for myself or act kind of jerk-ish to get people to leave me alone. But I contradict myself because my friends, that I love so much, turn me into someone else. It's not their fault at all because I let them without even knowing. I don't necessarily like who they've turned me into but I don't hate it either. I guess that's why I felt such a strong feeling of loss, like I had lost myself and couldn't find my way back. I let them treat me like a push over and since I don't really rebel to their interests, (cause really I agree with them just not always as much as they do on some things) I don't really give them any hints that 'hey I have my own thoughts too and I want to be able to express them just as much as you do.' And I really do need to express myself. I hate how I'm suppressing my thoughts and emotions so much, it's ridiculous. I try to tell my friends things but they don't always seem to hear it, or I'll try to try to start to tell them something but someone will make a joke and then it's gone.
This past weekend some of my cousins came into town and my aunt came from the Philippines. I was excited because I hadn't seen them in so long. But, you see, when I was little I never felt very close to my cousins because I felt like they ignored me and whatnot. Now I guess they're starting to get used to the idea that I'm not a kid anymore. So I'm comfortable around them, I act like my REAL self around them and they accepted it. They accept that I don't drink or smoke, they let me watch the last episode of Doctor Who without teasing me, rather they started to join me. They understand my sarcasm and they know I don't mean anything rude from it. This entire weekend I didn't have to explain myself. I didn't have to say 'I didn't mean it that way' or 'no that's not how I meant it' because they didn't judge me like some other people do. Honestly I'm so tired of having to explain myself, I'm tired of having to argue every single day. I'm tired of not being accept by my friends and some of my family. I'm tired of subconsciously molding myself in order to fit their lives. I want to be this happy person I was this weekend, because I missed her so much.
Honestly, I'm scared that this is all some sort sugar high and it's going to come crash soon. I hope to God it doesn't happen because this is the happiest and most confident I've been in so long :] I'm off to enjoy the last hours of this weekend before my lovelies depart in the morning<3
This past weekend some of my cousins came into town and my aunt came from the Philippines. I was excited because I hadn't seen them in so long. But, you see, when I was little I never felt very close to my cousins because I felt like they ignored me and whatnot. Now I guess they're starting to get used to the idea that I'm not a kid anymore. So I'm comfortable around them, I act like my REAL self around them and they accepted it. They accept that I don't drink or smoke, they let me watch the last episode of Doctor Who without teasing me, rather they started to join me. They understand my sarcasm and they know I don't mean anything rude from it. This entire weekend I didn't have to explain myself. I didn't have to say 'I didn't mean it that way' or 'no that's not how I meant it' because they didn't judge me like some other people do. Honestly I'm so tired of having to explain myself, I'm tired of having to argue every single day. I'm tired of not being accept by my friends and some of my family. I'm tired of subconsciously molding myself in order to fit their lives. I want to be this happy person I was this weekend, because I missed her so much.
Honestly, I'm scared that this is all some sort sugar high and it's going to come crash soon. I hope to God it doesn't happen because this is the happiest and most confident I've been in so long :] I'm off to enjoy the last hours of this weekend before my lovelies depart in the morning<3
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
*Yawn
So I haven't updated, like really update, in a long time. But I don't really feel like updating. When I was going through my tabs i saw this page and felt bad cause I told myself that I would keep up with it D: so here's a guilty-not-so-much update. I don't know why, I just don't care about updating for some reason. Same thing with my journals. I don't write much or sketch or even read! :O shocking yes I know.
Buuuut um? Let's see. My birthday, hiking and a chill day with guava cake<3. Umm then there was summer that I don't remember much of for innocent reasons. OH I learned a new word: platonic :D I've heard it but never looked it up until today lol. I'm waiting for the right moment to use it cause I really want to use it xD (*nerd status!) I know for sure it'll be a conversation with Bunny because, well, we have weird conversations haha. What else? UH term started again, my classes aren't bad. Every time my ENV teacher would talk about the course I would feel nervous because of how challenging it's gonna be but then I felt excited at the same time. Then I would realize these feelings I'm having and inwardly laugh at myself because my nerd level has spiked severely lately. 8D
MHM. Soooo I gotta get ready for bed. And I don't feel like talking to you anymore my dear b log, so goodnight :]
Buuuut um? Let's see. My birthday, hiking and a chill day with guava cake<3. Umm then there was summer that I don't remember much of for innocent reasons. OH I learned a new word: platonic :D I've heard it but never looked it up until today lol. I'm waiting for the right moment to use it cause I really want to use it xD (*nerd status!) I know for sure it'll be a conversation with Bunny because, well, we have weird conversations haha. What else? UH term started again, my classes aren't bad. Every time my ENV teacher would talk about the course I would feel nervous because of how challenging it's gonna be but then I felt excited at the same time. Then I would realize these feelings I'm having and inwardly laugh at myself because my nerd level has spiked severely lately. 8D
MHM. Soooo I gotta get ready for bed. And I don't feel like talking to you anymore my dear b log, so goodnight :]
Monday, August 1, 2011
I feel horrible :[
It's like everyday there's something putting me down further and further and I can't talk to anybody about it. Whenever I try to talk to a friend they make a joke and move on, when I want to tell my mom I just don't do it. Because I've tried that so many times before and it always just makes me feel worse when she says "yeah yeah" and watches tv. When I try to tell my dad he acts like he knows what I'm going through and gives me advice that isn't even relevant to whatever the fuck I told him. He's obviously not listening. I have no one to talk to and I feel so lonely.
I just don't know what to do. Everything I do feels so useless and stupid. I had a dream the other night about an old friend and he gave me a hug, a great hug that made me feel so happy and safe. Then when I woke up I could still feel it and it made me so sad because there's nobody to comfort me like that anymore. It all feels useless. I feel guarded all the time because I feel like at any given moment someone will insult me and I have to be ready to take it. Someone is going to accuse me of something that I didn't do and I have to take it. Because no matter what I say and no matter what I do it never makes a difference. I'm stuck.
It's like everyday there's something putting me down further and further and I can't talk to anybody about it. Whenever I try to talk to a friend they make a joke and move on, when I want to tell my mom I just don't do it. Because I've tried that so many times before and it always just makes me feel worse when she says "yeah yeah" and watches tv. When I try to tell my dad he acts like he knows what I'm going through and gives me advice that isn't even relevant to whatever the fuck I told him. He's obviously not listening. I have no one to talk to and I feel so lonely.
I just don't know what to do. Everything I do feels so useless and stupid. I had a dream the other night about an old friend and he gave me a hug, a great hug that made me feel so happy and safe. Then when I woke up I could still feel it and it made me so sad because there's nobody to comfort me like that anymore. It all feels useless. I feel guarded all the time because I feel like at any given moment someone will insult me and I have to be ready to take it. Someone is going to accuse me of something that I didn't do and I have to take it. Because no matter what I say and no matter what I do it never makes a difference. I'm stuck.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I Must Do This
I HAVE to talk about the past like 11 hours because it was just so ridiculous. Then again, everything seems more funny when you're sleep deprived. ANYWAYS, okay, so last night I was reading up to around 330 am because I woke up at like 1 pm yesterday and I can't sleep straight if I hadn't been awake for at least 12 hours. (It's a wierd mindset but I can't help it) I was pretty awake but I tried to sleep anyways but then suddenly my room got really warm because the a/c had turned off :[[[ My fan doesn't work in my room so thennnnnn...
Approx. 4:45 am: decided to try sleeping in loft because the fan works there.
10 minutes later: Mom comes in and turns fan down, walks away. I kick blanket off as a hint to turn the fan back up. She comes back in and tries to cover me with a heavier blanket than I had >< (I was only using a throw blanket). I fully wake up and tell her its too hot while she's trying to turn down my phone because I kept getting tweets. Then she's like tryna start a conversation about why I'm gonna wake up so early blah blah blah, she leaves, I turn fan back up. 2 minutes later: Knock out. 7:30-ish am: Mom calls me from downstairs asking me about my doctors appointment, telling me to leave early, yadda yadda, things I already know. I've been to the doctor before ya know? Maybe because it's by myself? Even though I've gone by myself before? Or maybe she likes to torture me. I don't know. 8am: Alarm goes off. I honestly thought someone was calling me. Reality set in, I had to get ready. crap. 8:15 am: Dad gets home, I get ready. 8:30 am: "Tiff what time is your appointment?" "9:30" "okay" 8:54 am: "Are you leaving yet?" "In a little bit" 9 am: "Dad there's no co-pay right?" "No there shouldn't be" "Are you sure?" "Yeah if there is just tell them to send us the bill." "Okay" 9:10 am: I leave to doctor 9:24 am: I sign in at doctor's office waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. 9:40 am: I'm called to fill out my papers. When I'm almost done the lady says, "okay it will be 15 dollars co-pay" "Um I was told I wouldn't have co-pay." "No with your insurance there is 15 dollar co-pay" "Umm... okay can you just send me the bill?" "No we have to have it before the appointment." We negotiate, blah blah, end up having to reschedule. Me:"That's wierd cause my dad came here and didn't have to pay anything." "No we have to have the co-pay." (I get it lady I was just saying ><) "Now If you're in too much pain, you can go right over to urgent care. But oh, they have the co-pay too." "Um no I didn't have co-pay, there I've been there before." "They don't need it up front." "Oh okay thanks anyways." I leave. Urgent care doesn't charge me anything, I never got any bill from there. The lady was confused? Maybe it was too early in the morning? I'm not complaining honestly, I'm just saying. What's up with that? So now I have to wait a month for my appointment :[ UGHHGHHHHHH! If the co-pay really is 15 bucks I'd rather just stay with my old doctor D: it costs the same :P THEN I drop off books at Mia's house ;] haha I waited awhile for her to open the door but I didn't mind. My brain was numb (still kinda is) so it was like whatever. Communication is hard when there's no way to directly contact the person....... ... ... ... I'm so tired. I was supposed to go job hunting today, but I don't think it'd make a good impression on potential employers if I show up looking all pale in the face and incoherent lol. This is such a long explanation of nothing hahaha oh deeeaaarrr >< ... Maybe this will just be how I explain it to bunny how I'm not a flake, I just am very incoherent and sleep deprived and my eyes are tired. How tired? When I put my contacts in, they burned quite a bit. When I was driving my right contact went slightly blurry because it went dry. So yes! I will text bunny the url to this. GENIUS! Hi Bunny :]
If you guys read this all the way through, I'm sorry for my pointless banter xD
**EDIT
I just realized my morning was quite pointless since I didn't get my appointment. UGH whatever sleep tiiiiiiime!
Approx. 4:45 am: decided to try sleeping in loft because the fan works there.
10 minutes later: Mom comes in and turns fan down, walks away. I kick blanket off as a hint to turn the fan back up. She comes back in and tries to cover me with a heavier blanket than I had >< (I was only using a throw blanket). I fully wake up and tell her its too hot while she's trying to turn down my phone because I kept getting tweets. Then she's like tryna start a conversation about why I'm gonna wake up so early blah blah blah, she leaves, I turn fan back up. 2 minutes later: Knock out. 7:30-ish am: Mom calls me from downstairs asking me about my doctors appointment, telling me to leave early, yadda yadda, things I already know. I've been to the doctor before ya know? Maybe because it's by myself? Even though I've gone by myself before? Or maybe she likes to torture me. I don't know. 8am: Alarm goes off. I honestly thought someone was calling me. Reality set in, I had to get ready. crap. 8:15 am: Dad gets home, I get ready. 8:30 am: "Tiff what time is your appointment?" "9:30" "okay" 8:54 am: "Are you leaving yet?" "In a little bit" 9 am: "Dad there's no co-pay right?" "No there shouldn't be" "Are you sure?" "Yeah if there is just tell them to send us the bill." "Okay" 9:10 am: I leave to doctor 9:24 am: I sign in at doctor's office waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. 9:40 am: I'm called to fill out my papers. When I'm almost done the lady says, "okay it will be 15 dollars co-pay" "Um I was told I wouldn't have co-pay." "No with your insurance there is 15 dollar co-pay" "Umm... okay can you just send me the bill?" "No we have to have it before the appointment." We negotiate, blah blah, end up having to reschedule. Me:"That's wierd cause my dad came here and didn't have to pay anything." "No we have to have the co-pay." (I get it lady I was just saying ><) "Now If you're in too much pain, you can go right over to urgent care. But oh, they have the co-pay too." "Um no I didn't have co-pay, there I've been there before." "They don't need it up front." "Oh okay thanks anyways." I leave. Urgent care doesn't charge me anything, I never got any bill from there. The lady was confused? Maybe it was too early in the morning? I'm not complaining honestly, I'm just saying. What's up with that? So now I have to wait a month for my appointment :[ UGHHGHHHHHH! If the co-pay really is 15 bucks I'd rather just stay with my old doctor D: it costs the same :P THEN I drop off books at Mia's house ;] haha I waited awhile for her to open the door but I didn't mind. My brain was numb (still kinda is) so it was like whatever. Communication is hard when there's no way to directly contact the person....... ... ... ... I'm so tired. I was supposed to go job hunting today, but I don't think it'd make a good impression on potential employers if I show up looking all pale in the face and incoherent lol. This is such a long explanation of nothing hahaha oh deeeaaarrr >< ... Maybe this will just be how I explain it to bunny how I'm not a flake, I just am very incoherent and sleep deprived and my eyes are tired. How tired? When I put my contacts in, they burned quite a bit. When I was driving my right contact went slightly blurry because it went dry. So yes! I will text bunny the url to this. GENIUS! Hi Bunny :]
If you guys read this all the way through, I'm sorry for my pointless banter xD
**EDIT
I just realized my morning was quite pointless since I didn't get my appointment. UGH whatever sleep tiiiiiiime!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Insomnia
*sigh I got like 3 hours of sleep when I thought I was gonna knock out all night. Now I can't sleep so I might as well post those pictures. But only some, there's a lot. Shot by the lovely Darvie'Bunny
![]()
That should be the right order, the reason some are darker is because the sun was just rising and a lot of places were still really shaded. Hm yupp. My favorite part is the waterfall :D The ice still being frozen was insanely pretty!
Yesterday we had a little "indoor camping" at my house for cynthia's birthday. It was like, i don't know. Like it wasn't exciting but it wasn't that warm fuzzy feeling of bonding haha. Probably because I got irritated but whatever :[
My life other than that? Irritated/Frustrated like 24/7. Why? *sigh long story.
My brother went to California this weekend and when he came back he gave us these dvds my uncle made of my grandma's funeral. I watched it and yeah :[ I miss her.
What a sad way to end a post.
That should be the right order, the reason some are darker is because the sun was just rising and a lot of places were still really shaded. Hm yupp. My favorite part is the waterfall :D The ice still being frozen was insanely pretty!
Yesterday we had a little "indoor camping" at my house for cynthia's birthday. It was like, i don't know. Like it wasn't exciting but it wasn't that warm fuzzy feeling of bonding haha. Probably because I got irritated but whatever :[
My life other than that? Irritated/Frustrated like 24/7. Why? *sigh long story.
My brother went to California this weekend and when he came back he gave us these dvds my uncle made of my grandma's funeral. I watched it and yeah :[ I miss her.
What a sad way to end a post.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)