'Let It Go' She Tells Me,

'Drop it', 'you're thinking too much' as if all of this is that simple. She tells me she's been through worse, my sister has been through worse also. I get that, I understand what she's telling me. She doesn't understand what I'm telling her, how else can I explain it? Hell yes I think too much, its like a disease that I haven't been able to treat. My mind has multiple slots: active controlled thoughts, contradictions, active uncontrolled thoughts and a bunch more with bullshit that pops up out of nowhere. My issues are in those active uncontrolled thoughts. It's like a song stuck in your head. A happy song that can give you a silly grin and put a bounce in your step. But my 'song' makes me want to curl into myself and scream. You know that feeling you'd get when you were a kid and you knew you were going to get in trouble for something? It's like that but I haven't done anything, its constantly saying things about how I'm going to be punished and there's nothing I can do about it. They will always turn what I say into something insulting, treat me as if I'm out doing dark deeds, look down on me as if I'm not worth anything.

That's how it is in my mind. When I would get out of class my heart would start racing. I would keep a steady eye on the time thinking he's gonna yell at me for being late, he's gonna say I'm fucking around. But I'm not. I ALWAYS had these panic attacks. I'm treated like I don't know shit. I'm treated like I'm going to fuck everything up for everyone. I do something wrong and shit goes crazy. They do something wrong its a slap on the wrist.

'It's because you're the girl' they say. That's such a BULLSHIT EXCUSE!!! that doesn't mean I'm going to have a baby at 16, go out drinking, do drugs or ANYTHING like that. If they knew me, they'd know I'm abstinent. I don't like drunk people and don't drink myself. Drugs are disgusting, why would I ever? But no. They have their own little picture of me. They told my relatives I had sex with a guy. They could spread so much gossip about me and I have to take it and act like they're not talking. Then they say I don't appreciate anything. Of course I do. They say they give me everything. They think I want all this materialistic crap that I honestly don't care about.

I'm tired of fighting this war inside my mind while they have a fucking tea party. So yeah, let it go right? You have no idea.

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