I was gonna space these out over a couple days, but I lost my entertainment for the night and I just drank coffee. I have nothing else to do, sadly..
"I'm feeling sad today. Like I'm a pathetic lump with no purpose. The reason I'm here is to give people attention when they need it. Like I'm some sort of verbal punching bag people use when they need to let stuff go. But when the punching bag gets soft and needs some care taken to it everyone walks by it without giving any notice unless it falls off it's stand, maybe the chain breaks. They'll fix it while cursing the punching bag like it let itself fall. The chain mends, they walk away, the process starts over.
I stopped playing guitar because it doesn't make me happy anymore. Mom kept asking me to play for her but when I would come to her with a new song she'd pay more attention to the tv. When I'd be playing a song they knew they'd get excited and ask me to play more, but they wouldn't like my other songs. It wasn't ever good enough. I played a song for dad on Father's Day, he didn't even listen. I had stopped playing for myself and when I would try I felt stupid, I wasn't good enough. Whenever I hear a really pretty acoustic song, I get the urge to learn it. I know I won't, though. Even on the off-chance that I do try, I stop -- It never sounds right, I'm playing wrong
There's no one I can talk to openly. She doesn't like hearing people complain, he doesn't act like he cares, she is unresponsive and whenever I talk to her I feel worse afterwards. No one really wants to hear me, they don't hear what I'm trying to say rather than the jumble mess I actually spew out. Oh, he look, a punching bag.
Feeling empty and trapped sucks. Since I can't (well, it feels like I can't) do anything to fix that I have to plaster a fake smile on my face, sounds a forced laugh, and make myself look proper. My own family won't really talk to me unless they're drunk. My friends, I feel like they get along much better without me. I feel untrusted, used and unwanted. How can I make this go away? I don't even read anymore. I'm so unhappy it hurts. I would rather hurt than be numb. When I'm numb I don't feel anything, I can't even fake happiness. I had a dream last night that a friend was black-mailing me. He wanted sex or we couldn't be friends anymore. In my dream he was my best friend, I don't want to drop so low for that to be the only way for me to feel loved.
I make people think about what they're doing. It pisses them off a lot. I don't really do it on purpose, I just think differently. Sometimes I'll say something and they'll laugh, but I just look at them and ask why that was funny. They just stop and look at me, realizing it meant something else. Sometimes they'll explain, or at least try to explain, why it's funny.
I ask 'why' a lot. Not to question authority, not to imply they're wrong; it's just curiosity. Most people don't see it that way. They think I'm being a smart ass, trying to prove them wrong. Honestly, I just like knowing things. I don't mean gossip. The smallest things are more interesting than the general picture. What makes up that general picture, all the specifics and "randomness" behind it, it intrigues me. Especially people and mechanics. How does this work? What were their thoughts behind all of this? Why did they choose that instead of this? What makes them hurt inside? Why does that hurt them? How can I fix it? Maybe that's why I can't handle bigots very well. They only see one thing but not the possibilities, none of the background stories to it. How can you truly appreciate anything if you don't really know it?"
Friday, December 2, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
No Shame November (Pt. 1)
"Even though I'm not supposed to, I'm going to be self-conscious throughout this entire entry. It's just a part of me. Whenever I'm writing, there's always a little tiny piece of me that's thinking 'what would somebody think if they read this?' However, I'll try my best to be completely honest.
I'm conceited. I'm conceited because I am aware of all the little things going on. It makes me aware of myself and how others see me; it's not a vain trait. It drives me crazy. I try not to make most things into big deals, but I'm insanely over-analytical about these little things I see. Then I always have to answer 'why'. Why doesn't he make eye contact when he speaks? Is he shy? Does he do this to everyone? Do I make him uncomfortable? Why would I make him uncomfortable? Does he like me? Has he heard rumors from mutual acquaintances? Am I intimidating? And round and round these questions go. Never settling because most of the time they go unanswered. It drives me insane because my brain never shuts up. But when I need to think, to focus on a task, my brain feels dead. Like it's under-stimulated.
I whine and complain way more than I intend to. At first I would do it as a joke, but now it's become a reflex to fill awkward silences. When I hear myself complaining, I get so annoyed. I just want to yell at myself to shut up, it's not even a bad situation, you're being stupid.
I crave comfort in the form of intimacy. Not sex or any of that but just feeling close to someone. Hugs. I love hugs. I never get hugs anymore. Last week, I was with a friend and we ended up linking arms, holding hands and hugging each other. I don't like him any more than a close friend, I'm just comfortable enough to be close with him that way and it made me feel so happy. I felt cared about. I've felt like such a black sheep for so long, it was nice to feel wanted. Of course my over-analyzing kicked in afterwards but since I haven't seen him in awhile I shut it up telling myself to get over it. It doesn't completely work.
Sometimes I need to check that I can feel my lips touching. It ensure me that I'm not thinking out loud. I get these bouts of paranoia that people can hear what I'm thinking, like I'm saying all of it without noticing. It's not that I'm thinking mean things, they're just embarrassing things. Like if a guy is cute or something, or if I'm feeling self-conscious.
There were times when I would be so driven and focused on my goals, I knew that I would be going somewhere in the future; I felt confident. I'm so disappointed in who I've become. I used to take all of the negativity that was thrown at me and turn it into a challenge. It would become motivation to get away from here. But now, I was kicked to the ground and I can't get back up. Ever since I canceled on UNR, it all just hurts. It feels like I'm trapped here and there's nothing I can do about it. Every time someone puts me down, say I'm not good enough, makes fun of me to make themselves feel better; I just feel worthless. Nothing I do is right, I'm considered stupid even though I've had the highest education than anyone in my house. It's all slowly eating away at me. It makes me so angry, I just want to punch somebody, but of course I won't. My family (and some other old acquaintances) try to make me out to be this bad person. I know in my heart that I'm not but it's so suffocating! I can't get away from it. It's traumatized me so much that I think random passerbys glance at me and see an uptight bitch. The old me would see that, find a way to get money and plan my escape route. This me, the one who has trouble coping, just wants to curl up in bed and feel disgusted with herself. No amount of pep talks have been able to fix me. No on really understands."
I'm conceited. I'm conceited because I am aware of all the little things going on. It makes me aware of myself and how others see me; it's not a vain trait. It drives me crazy. I try not to make most things into big deals, but I'm insanely over-analytical about these little things I see. Then I always have to answer 'why'. Why doesn't he make eye contact when he speaks? Is he shy? Does he do this to everyone? Do I make him uncomfortable? Why would I make him uncomfortable? Does he like me? Has he heard rumors from mutual acquaintances? Am I intimidating? And round and round these questions go. Never settling because most of the time they go unanswered. It drives me insane because my brain never shuts up. But when I need to think, to focus on a task, my brain feels dead. Like it's under-stimulated.
I whine and complain way more than I intend to. At first I would do it as a joke, but now it's become a reflex to fill awkward silences. When I hear myself complaining, I get so annoyed. I just want to yell at myself to shut up, it's not even a bad situation, you're being stupid.
I crave comfort in the form of intimacy. Not sex or any of that but just feeling close to someone. Hugs. I love hugs. I never get hugs anymore. Last week, I was with a friend and we ended up linking arms, holding hands and hugging each other. I don't like him any more than a close friend, I'm just comfortable enough to be close with him that way and it made me feel so happy. I felt cared about. I've felt like such a black sheep for so long, it was nice to feel wanted. Of course my over-analyzing kicked in afterwards but since I haven't seen him in awhile I shut it up telling myself to get over it. It doesn't completely work.
Sometimes I need to check that I can feel my lips touching. It ensure me that I'm not thinking out loud. I get these bouts of paranoia that people can hear what I'm thinking, like I'm saying all of it without noticing. It's not that I'm thinking mean things, they're just embarrassing things. Like if a guy is cute or something, or if I'm feeling self-conscious.
There were times when I would be so driven and focused on my goals, I knew that I would be going somewhere in the future; I felt confident. I'm so disappointed in who I've become. I used to take all of the negativity that was thrown at me and turn it into a challenge. It would become motivation to get away from here. But now, I was kicked to the ground and I can't get back up. Ever since I canceled on UNR, it all just hurts. It feels like I'm trapped here and there's nothing I can do about it. Every time someone puts me down, say I'm not good enough, makes fun of me to make themselves feel better; I just feel worthless. Nothing I do is right, I'm considered stupid even though I've had the highest education than anyone in my house. It's all slowly eating away at me. It makes me so angry, I just want to punch somebody, but of course I won't. My family (and some other old acquaintances) try to make me out to be this bad person. I know in my heart that I'm not but it's so suffocating! I can't get away from it. It's traumatized me so much that I think random passerbys glance at me and see an uptight bitch. The old me would see that, find a way to get money and plan my escape route. This me, the one who has trouble coping, just wants to curl up in bed and feel disgusted with herself. No amount of pep talks have been able to fix me. No on really understands."
It Really Is Shameful...
...how I haven't been posting. But I've been writing in my journal lately and I've been doing 'No Shame November'. I decided, to make up for my lack of "hey mia I'm alive, I promise" posts, (EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T POST TO RELIEVE MY ANXIETY!) *Ahem. I decided to post my No Shame November pages piece by piece. That way it'll seem like a lot. Even though it's probably not so long in text, oh well.
I should describe what No Shame November is though. It's pretty much you write everything, thoughts, feelings, and whatnot; and you can't be shy about it. You have to be completely honest, especially if it's risky. Write things that it's hard to say out loud. Secrets, stories and whatever. Even though when I wrote it I was thinking no one is gonna read it, I really should post it. Boost of confidence and all that fuckery x]I will change some names though to general he/she and the like just to be polite, and because even though this is complete honesty, some things I don't want EVERYONE to know who it's about. (this is public!!! D:)
And so we begin!♥
I should describe what No Shame November is though. It's pretty much you write everything, thoughts, feelings, and whatnot; and you can't be shy about it. You have to be completely honest, especially if it's risky. Write things that it's hard to say out loud. Secrets, stories and whatever. Even though when I wrote it I was thinking no one is gonna read it, I really should post it. Boost of confidence and all that fuckery x]I will change some names though to general he/she and the like just to be polite, and because even though this is complete honesty, some things I don't want EVERYONE to know who it's about. (this is public!!! D:)
And so we begin!♥
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Just posting this so I can delete the post it
...It is ever painful to a candid mind to exhibit the deformed features of its own species; yet truth requires a just portrait of the public delinquent, though he may possess such a share of private virtue as would lead us to esteem the man in his domestic character, while we detest his political, and execrate his public transactions.
"Creating an American Culture"
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I'm Insanely Happy
..for the time being :D Well, like most teenagers, I've been needing to find out who I am. Then this weekend I realized I know who I am and I've known all along but I've been suppressing it. I like to please people, but I always knew I was a push over so I would stand up for myself or act kind of jerk-ish to get people to leave me alone. But I contradict myself because my friends, that I love so much, turn me into someone else. It's not their fault at all because I let them without even knowing. I don't necessarily like who they've turned me into but I don't hate it either. I guess that's why I felt such a strong feeling of loss, like I had lost myself and couldn't find my way back. I let them treat me like a push over and since I don't really rebel to their interests, (cause really I agree with them just not always as much as they do on some things) I don't really give them any hints that 'hey I have my own thoughts too and I want to be able to express them just as much as you do.' And I really do need to express myself. I hate how I'm suppressing my thoughts and emotions so much, it's ridiculous. I try to tell my friends things but they don't always seem to hear it, or I'll try to try to start to tell them something but someone will make a joke and then it's gone.
This past weekend some of my cousins came into town and my aunt came from the Philippines. I was excited because I hadn't seen them in so long. But, you see, when I was little I never felt very close to my cousins because I felt like they ignored me and whatnot. Now I guess they're starting to get used to the idea that I'm not a kid anymore. So I'm comfortable around them, I act like my REAL self around them and they accepted it. They accept that I don't drink or smoke, they let me watch the last episode of Doctor Who without teasing me, rather they started to join me. They understand my sarcasm and they know I don't mean anything rude from it. This entire weekend I didn't have to explain myself. I didn't have to say 'I didn't mean it that way' or 'no that's not how I meant it' because they didn't judge me like some other people do. Honestly I'm so tired of having to explain myself, I'm tired of having to argue every single day. I'm tired of not being accept by my friends and some of my family. I'm tired of subconsciously molding myself in order to fit their lives. I want to be this happy person I was this weekend, because I missed her so much.
Honestly, I'm scared that this is all some sort sugar high and it's going to come crash soon. I hope to God it doesn't happen because this is the happiest and most confident I've been in so long :] I'm off to enjoy the last hours of this weekend before my lovelies depart in the morning<3
This past weekend some of my cousins came into town and my aunt came from the Philippines. I was excited because I hadn't seen them in so long. But, you see, when I was little I never felt very close to my cousins because I felt like they ignored me and whatnot. Now I guess they're starting to get used to the idea that I'm not a kid anymore. So I'm comfortable around them, I act like my REAL self around them and they accepted it. They accept that I don't drink or smoke, they let me watch the last episode of Doctor Who without teasing me, rather they started to join me. They understand my sarcasm and they know I don't mean anything rude from it. This entire weekend I didn't have to explain myself. I didn't have to say 'I didn't mean it that way' or 'no that's not how I meant it' because they didn't judge me like some other people do. Honestly I'm so tired of having to explain myself, I'm tired of having to argue every single day. I'm tired of not being accept by my friends and some of my family. I'm tired of subconsciously molding myself in order to fit their lives. I want to be this happy person I was this weekend, because I missed her so much.
Honestly, I'm scared that this is all some sort sugar high and it's going to come crash soon. I hope to God it doesn't happen because this is the happiest and most confident I've been in so long :] I'm off to enjoy the last hours of this weekend before my lovelies depart in the morning<3
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
*Yawn
So I haven't updated, like really update, in a long time. But I don't really feel like updating. When I was going through my tabs i saw this page and felt bad cause I told myself that I would keep up with it D: so here's a guilty-not-so-much update. I don't know why, I just don't care about updating for some reason. Same thing with my journals. I don't write much or sketch or even read! :O shocking yes I know.
Buuuut um? Let's see. My birthday, hiking and a chill day with guava cake<3. Umm then there was summer that I don't remember much of for innocent reasons. OH I learned a new word: platonic :D I've heard it but never looked it up until today lol. I'm waiting for the right moment to use it cause I really want to use it xD (*nerd status!) I know for sure it'll be a conversation with Bunny because, well, we have weird conversations haha. What else? UH term started again, my classes aren't bad. Every time my ENV teacher would talk about the course I would feel nervous because of how challenging it's gonna be but then I felt excited at the same time. Then I would realize these feelings I'm having and inwardly laugh at myself because my nerd level has spiked severely lately. 8D
MHM. Soooo I gotta get ready for bed. And I don't feel like talking to you anymore my dear b log, so goodnight :]
Buuuut um? Let's see. My birthday, hiking and a chill day with guava cake<3. Umm then there was summer that I don't remember much of for innocent reasons. OH I learned a new word: platonic :D I've heard it but never looked it up until today lol. I'm waiting for the right moment to use it cause I really want to use it xD (*nerd status!) I know for sure it'll be a conversation with Bunny because, well, we have weird conversations haha. What else? UH term started again, my classes aren't bad. Every time my ENV teacher would talk about the course I would feel nervous because of how challenging it's gonna be but then I felt excited at the same time. Then I would realize these feelings I'm having and inwardly laugh at myself because my nerd level has spiked severely lately. 8D
MHM. Soooo I gotta get ready for bed. And I don't feel like talking to you anymore my dear b log, so goodnight :]
Monday, August 1, 2011
I feel horrible :[
It's like everyday there's something putting me down further and further and I can't talk to anybody about it. Whenever I try to talk to a friend they make a joke and move on, when I want to tell my mom I just don't do it. Because I've tried that so many times before and it always just makes me feel worse when she says "yeah yeah" and watches tv. When I try to tell my dad he acts like he knows what I'm going through and gives me advice that isn't even relevant to whatever the fuck I told him. He's obviously not listening. I have no one to talk to and I feel so lonely.
I just don't know what to do. Everything I do feels so useless and stupid. I had a dream the other night about an old friend and he gave me a hug, a great hug that made me feel so happy and safe. Then when I woke up I could still feel it and it made me so sad because there's nobody to comfort me like that anymore. It all feels useless. I feel guarded all the time because I feel like at any given moment someone will insult me and I have to be ready to take it. Someone is going to accuse me of something that I didn't do and I have to take it. Because no matter what I say and no matter what I do it never makes a difference. I'm stuck.
It's like everyday there's something putting me down further and further and I can't talk to anybody about it. Whenever I try to talk to a friend they make a joke and move on, when I want to tell my mom I just don't do it. Because I've tried that so many times before and it always just makes me feel worse when she says "yeah yeah" and watches tv. When I try to tell my dad he acts like he knows what I'm going through and gives me advice that isn't even relevant to whatever the fuck I told him. He's obviously not listening. I have no one to talk to and I feel so lonely.
I just don't know what to do. Everything I do feels so useless and stupid. I had a dream the other night about an old friend and he gave me a hug, a great hug that made me feel so happy and safe. Then when I woke up I could still feel it and it made me so sad because there's nobody to comfort me like that anymore. It all feels useless. I feel guarded all the time because I feel like at any given moment someone will insult me and I have to be ready to take it. Someone is going to accuse me of something that I didn't do and I have to take it. Because no matter what I say and no matter what I do it never makes a difference. I'm stuck.
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