No Shame November (Pt. 2)

I was gonna space these out over a couple days, but I lost my entertainment for the night and I just drank coffee. I have nothing else to do, sadly..

"I'm feeling sad today. Like I'm a pathetic lump with no purpose. The reason I'm here is to give people attention when they need it. Like I'm some sort of verbal punching bag people use when they need to let stuff go. But when the punching bag gets soft and needs some care taken to it everyone walks by it without giving any notice unless it falls off it's stand, maybe the chain breaks. They'll fix it while cursing the punching bag like it let itself fall. The chain mends, they walk away, the process starts over.
I stopped playing guitar because it doesn't make me happy anymore. Mom kept asking me to play for her but when I would come to her with a new song she'd pay more attention to the tv. When I'd be playing a song they knew they'd get excited and ask me to play more, but they wouldn't like my other songs. It wasn't ever good enough. I played a song for dad on Father's Day, he didn't even listen. I had stopped playing for myself and when I would try I felt stupid, I wasn't good enough. Whenever I hear a really pretty acoustic song, I get the urge to learn it. I know I won't, though. Even on the off-chance that I do try, I stop -- It never sounds right, I'm playing wrong
There's no one I can talk to openly. She doesn't like hearing people complain, he doesn't act like he cares, she is unresponsive and whenever I talk to her I feel worse afterwards. No one really wants to hear me, they don't hear what I'm trying to say rather than the jumble mess I actually spew out. Oh, he look, a punching bag.
Feeling empty and trapped sucks. Since I can't (well, it feels like I can't) do anything to fix that I have to plaster a fake smile on my face, sounds a forced laugh, and make myself look proper. My own family won't really talk to me unless they're drunk. My friends, I feel like they get along much better without me. I feel untrusted, used and unwanted. How can I make this go away? I don't even read anymore. I'm so unhappy it hurts. I would rather hurt than be numb. When I'm numb I don't feel anything, I can't even fake happiness. I had a dream last night that a friend was black-mailing me. He wanted sex or we couldn't be friends anymore. In my dream he was my best friend, I don't want to drop so low for that to be the only way for me to feel loved.
I make people think about what they're doing. It pisses them off a lot. I don't really do it on purpose, I just think differently. Sometimes I'll say something and they'll laugh, but I just look at them and ask why that was funny. They just stop and look at me, realizing it meant something else. Sometimes they'll explain, or at least try to explain, why it's funny.
I ask 'why' a lot. Not to question authority, not to imply they're wrong; it's just curiosity. Most people don't see it that way. They think I'm being a smart ass, trying to prove them wrong. Honestly, I just like knowing things. I don't mean gossip. The smallest things are more interesting than the general picture. What makes up that general picture, all the specifics and "randomness" behind it, it intrigues me. Especially people and mechanics. How does this work? What were their thoughts behind all of this? Why did they choose that instead of this? What makes them hurt inside? Why does that hurt them? How can I fix it? Maybe that's why I can't handle bigots very well. They only see one thing but not the possibilities, none of the background stories to it. How can you truly appreciate anything if you don't really know it?"