"Even though I'm not supposed to, I'm going to be self-conscious throughout this entire entry. It's just a part of me. Whenever I'm writing, there's always a little tiny piece of me that's thinking 'what would somebody think if they read this?' However, I'll try my best to be completely honest.
I'm conceited. I'm conceited because I am aware of all the little things going on. It makes me aware of myself and how others see me; it's not a vain trait. It drives me crazy. I try not to make most things into big deals, but I'm insanely over-analytical about these little things I see. Then I always have to answer 'why'. Why doesn't he make eye contact when he speaks? Is he shy? Does he do this to everyone? Do I make him uncomfortable? Why would I make him uncomfortable? Does he like me? Has he heard rumors from mutual acquaintances? Am I intimidating? And round and round these questions go. Never settling because most of the time they go unanswered. It drives me insane because my brain never shuts up. But when I need to think, to focus on a task, my brain feels dead. Like it's under-stimulated.
I whine and complain way more than I intend to. At first I would do it as a joke, but now it's become a reflex to fill awkward silences. When I hear myself complaining, I get so annoyed. I just want to yell at myself to shut up, it's not even a bad situation, you're being stupid.
I crave comfort in the form of intimacy. Not sex or any of that but just feeling close to someone. Hugs. I love hugs. I never get hugs anymore. Last week, I was with a friend and we ended up linking arms, holding hands and hugging each other. I don't like him any more than a close friend, I'm just comfortable enough to be close with him that way and it made me feel so happy. I felt cared about. I've felt like such a black sheep for so long, it was nice to feel wanted. Of course my over-analyzing kicked in afterwards but since I haven't seen him in awhile I shut it up telling myself to get over it. It doesn't completely work.
Sometimes I need to check that I can feel my lips touching. It ensure me that I'm not thinking out loud. I get these bouts of paranoia that people can hear what I'm thinking, like I'm saying all of it without noticing. It's not that I'm thinking mean things, they're just embarrassing things. Like if a guy is cute or something, or if I'm feeling self-conscious.
There were times when I would be so driven and focused on my goals, I knew that I would be going somewhere in the future; I felt confident. I'm so disappointed in who I've become. I used to take all of the negativity that was thrown at me and turn it into a challenge. It would become motivation to get away from here. But now, I was kicked to the ground and I can't get back up. Ever since I canceled on UNR, it all just hurts. It feels like I'm trapped here and there's nothing I can do about it. Every time someone puts me down, say I'm not good enough, makes fun of me to make themselves feel better; I just feel worthless. Nothing I do is right, I'm considered stupid even though I've had the highest education than anyone in my house. It's all slowly eating away at me. It makes me so angry, I just want to punch somebody, but of course I won't. My family (and some other old acquaintances) try to make me out to be this bad person. I know in my heart that I'm not but it's so suffocating! I can't get away from it. It's traumatized me so much that I think random passerbys glance at me and see an uptight bitch. The old me would see that, find a way to get money and plan my escape route. This me, the one who has trouble coping, just wants to curl up in bed and feel disgusted with herself. No amount of pep talks have been able to fix me. No on really understands."
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