No Shame November (Pt. 3)

Edited so I'm not "google-able" "I've lost myself. Honestly, if someone tole me to describe myself I'm not sure what I would say.
My name is Tiffany, I'm 19, I live in ***. I don't drink, smoke or do any kind of drug. I love to read but lately I haven't wanted to in fear of distracting myself from schoolwork. I think very philosophically, sometimes what I'm saying isn't comprehensible, even to myself. My mouth tends to work faster than my mind but I trust it because it's right (most of the time). I like to play sports rather than watch. However, I haven't played many sports lately because I'm so out of shape and no one to play with because no one likes volleyball, I'm not that great at basketball and not enough people want to play football. I care deeply about many people but try not to show it too much. Usually people think I have a rough exterior but in actuality I'm as soft as a marshmallow. I've built up my defenses to protect myself, I used to be extremely sensitive. For you to really get to know me, it would take a very long time because I'm still figuring myself out. I like hugs and comfortable affection. Hugs really make me feel happy and cared for. I'm cross-dominant, emotional and analytical, and it drives me crazy. I like to write stories, but not lately. When I do write it has to be in pen or I will keep going back and fixing things with my anal English-major mind; it will never get finished. Writing help me open up. It's easier for me to write than to talk. I used to write stories but I've lost my mojo. I mostly write in cursive because my old teacher got me into the habit. I used to be an old English major but my Mechanical Technology major will get done faster and will have better jobs. It's with a theatre emphasis because I love working backstage and seeing everything come together. I'm thinking of going back for an English degree once I'm settled down.
You will rarely see me with new friends because I've become extremely awkward. The people you may see me with have probably known me for a long time, pre-awkward stage. If you see me talking to new people then I'm trying extremely hard not to be shy. The same goes for when I'm talking to them without eye contact. I reflexively make eye contact with people I'm speaking with, but I know some people are uncomfortable with it so I make an effort to not do it. I like random movies. My DVD collection consists of movies I'll randomly crave on any given day. Les Miserables is my favorite DVD. I've seen it so many times I've lost count. Once in awhile I'll get into video games but I'm not a serious gamer. I try to let people know that my life is complicated but they don't believe me when I try to explain. I don't give specifics because it really is too complicated. There are a lot of 'but' and 'it depends' in my explanations. I really don't want to. I want to be able to make plans and keep them. Why don't I? It's complicated. I'm kind of forced into a hermit lifestyle because I'm traumatized. When my friends go out without me I kind of get jealous. I rarely get jealous about anything but that's one of them. When people ask me what I'm doing or what I'm up to I get embarrassed. Everyone who's free tells me that I'm old enough to get up and leave but it's not that simple. I wish it were. I tend to complain when I'm feeling uncomfortable, honestly, I don't like to whine. At first I did it joking ly to fill awkward silences but it's become a bad habit. By the way, unless we have some things in common, my conversation skills suck. I try, I really do, but I don't let my mouth run with new people. I don't know if I'll say anything that will upset them or make them uncomfortable so I play it safe.
My family feels like a love-hate relationship. I think so differently from them but I know their mind sets so well that I'm traumatized. The majority think I'm stupid and treat me as such. The only time they're truly nice is if they're being conscious of their actions, usually when there is a visitor. They're very judgmental and kind have bigot tendencies. Whenever I try to get them to see how mean they're being they get defensive. I'm only trying to help, it's not like I'm shoving it in their faces and calling them assholes. They do have good sides though, especially mom. She cares a lot but tries not to be too gushy. I told myself, maybe 9th grade, that I will always love my mom. No matter how cranky she gets, if she pisses me off or pushes me away. She will always be the one I take care of. I don't want to talk about Dad and him, it'll make me cry. The other one is a big sweetheart who just wants to be loved and respected but he has the worst controlled temper in the house. I have 2 brothers and a sister that are half-siblings, the boys from dad and the girl from mom. Dad doesn't like mom's side of the family and he's really rude about it. When they got married he told Mom that she was his family now, separating her from her own family. I'm gonna do that when I get married so he can see what a dick move it is. Just drift away towards my husband's family and see how he feels.
Even with all that I've just written, there's still a piece of me missing. Inside I'm yearning to become who I really want to be. It's like a saying I've read before: 'I'm in between who I am, who I'm becoming, and who I want to be; and I don't know what to do.'"