The Morning is the Worst

It's horrible. I can't breathe, my chest feels insanely tight and I shake. I want my mom but she's at work or not home or I feel like she won't help me feel better. So I wait it out in my bed shaking, pulling my hair and trying to breathe as best I can. Sometimes a shower helps, sometimes it doesn't. If mom and Steven aren't home it's like I don't have any courage to get up for the day. If I go downstairs I'll come back up when Justin gets ready for work just so I don't have to interact. Last time I forced myself to sleep so I didn't have to deal with my mind and even after that I was able to sleep through the night. Sleeping is my defense mechanism.

Even on the days where they are home I have to work hard to be decent. Sometimes I'll actually have a good time and build up courage throughout the day. But once I'm in bed I try to tire myself out to knock out right away, otherwise I'll be laying there torturing myself. Sleep, repeat.

I went out today with friends for the first time since things got worse. I had fun but my chest ached the whole time. I didn't think of my morning anxiety attacks when I agreed to go in the morning. It took me awhile to breathe correctly.

I went to the store with Steven the other day and I looked for something to relieve anxiety. The best I could get was calming tea. I didn't get to drink any before I left because I woke up late. Next time I'll think things through.

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